The Task: Watch and write about every movie on my shelf, in order (Blu-rays are sorted after DVDs), by June 10, 2015. Remaining movies: 86 Days to go: 58
Movie #354: The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King
Well, I’ve survived it. Again. We’ve come to the end of the Lord of the Rings trilogy, and I couldn’t be more grateful. The subtitles really do help a lot in the understanding (and even enjoyment) of the films, but 1) that shouldn’t be a requirement for a film in (mostly) my native language, and 2) they’re still pretty ridiculous, as far as films go.
The enormity of the task Peter Jackson and company took on and accomplished is not to be swept aside, for it was gigantic and ambitious. That he managed to film three such huge, world-spanning, epic films all at the same time is a feat that will likely never be matched. The special effects throughout the films were impressive and innovative to a stunning degree, and creatures that existed only digitally blended seamlessly into the landscape with human actors. I don’t mean to undercut it at all. That’s why The Return of the King won all the Oscars. I personally wouldn’t have given it all the Oscars, but I can understand why it got them. I don’t really begrudge it that.
What I do begrudge it, however, is the story. Maybe this is largely the fault of author J.R.R. Tolkien, or maybe it falls to the filmmakers, but there are enormous holes in this mess. Like why isn’t the giant, climactic battle of Gondor the actual climax of the film? There’s another hour or more after all is said and done with this battle they’ve been building to for two films. The evilest of evil dudes, who can’t be killed by man, is dead (we’ll get to that in a bit), and the land of Men is saved, and Aragorn (Viggo Mortensen) has returned to be rightful king, and still there’s a ton left to do. In fact, right around the time this battle to end all battles winds down, Frodo (Elijah Wood) and Sam (Sean Astin) are escaping the tower of Mordor together, only to still be about a hundred miles away from the damn mountain as the crows (or shall we say eagles? EAGLES!) fly.
Speaking of that tower of Mordor, why did the Orcs take Frodo up there? Why didn’t they leave him cocooned in spiderweb to be eaten by whatsherface? Just one more pointless obstacle for these hobbits to face? I mean, entire countries have been won and lost in at least three battles since those two split off from the rest of their fellowship, with everyone and their brother traipsing back and forth across the entirety of Middle Earth a dozen times or more, yet they’re still making their way. Slowly, but surely, with a half-dead Frodo, who’s now been stabbed nearly to death three times, will lose a finger before all is said and done, and still can’t just die in the lava of Mount Doom like he most definitely should. (Oh yeah, and how is it that Gollum, voiced by Andy Serkis, can fall down a bottomless gulch and still beat the fucking hobbits to the mountain?? What the fuck?!?) So why is it, exactly, that these magical eagles — the eagles from Deus ex Machina-land who show up over Mordor to lend assistance to the final army in the final (no really this time) battle — couldn’t have taken the ring, or Frodo, or the entire fucking fellowship into Morder to drop the ring into Mount Doom? Oh, no reason. Are you kidding me??
And as far as that final battle goes — the real, actual final battle, not the one they build up to like it’s the climax of anything — why are the ghost fighters not there? Why did Aragorn release them early? Why didn’t he just employ them from the start? I mean, ghost fighting probably would’ve been pretty impressive, but in actuality all you see is a green wave of death going over the opponents and then it’s over. So why didn’t they just start there? Send the eagles to drop the ring, send the ghost army to take out all the orcs, and be done? Why have we sat through three neverending movies when it could’ve been over in a moderately-lengthed one?
I have to say, the murder of that unkillable witch-king was pretty impressive with Eowyn (Miranda Otto) all, “I am no man!” (Or it would’ve been, if it had come at the end like a normal climax.) But even that was telegraphed from about a thousand miles away. I didn’t even know her name the first time I watched these things, but when Gandalf (Ian McKellen) makes a huge point about the fact that “no living man can kill him,” it wasn’t hard to figure out the rest. I mean, gee, is there a woman of substance in this whole thing who isn’t an elf? Oh yeah, that one, who already foreshadowed how good she is with a sword two movies and, like, seven and a half hours ago. It must be her. Because in Middle Earth, when it comes to any single woman actually doing anything, THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE. (Wait, that’s Highlander. Whatever.)
Then, finally, to compensate for neither of the two previous movies having an ending at all, this one has approximately five. There’s the fade to black after Sam and Frodo collapse on the rock in the sea of lava, but then it fades back in to show the eagles (!!!) picking them up, like no big deal. Then there’s Frodo waking up in Rivendell, and having all the members of the fellowship share a good chuckle over their rousing good time of many months worth of hardship and death, and fade to black again. Then, wait, Aragorn has to be crowned and say something kingly, followed by Legolas (Orlando Bloom) giving him an arched eyebrow at the mysterious figure hiding behind an Elvish banner, like WHO COULD IT BE?? Oh, it’s Arwen (Liv Tyler), miraculously not dead, and her and Aragorn start making out something fierce. Luckily, Eowyn has started eyeballing Faramir (David Wenham) now. And everyone bows down to the hobbits. Fade out AGAIN. Except, no, now Frodo takes up the end of the tale, and the hobbits head back to the shire thirteen months after leaving and share a drink while Sam goes to talk up some chick he likes. Fade out AGAIN. No, wait, now Frodo is talking about how misplaced he still feels, and he finishes up the writing of the tale a full four goddamn years after the whole thing started. Apparently Bilbo (Ian Holm) is still alive, so he accompanies him to Rivendell to go to the Undying Lands, only Frodo goes to, and gives the book to Sam. Then SAM winds up the telling of the tale and goes home to his wife, despite desperately needing to make out with Frodo, like, the entire movie, and takes his happy little family into his hobbit hole door. At long, long last, the end.
And it’s the end for me too. At least as far as The Lord of the Rings is concerned. I will never have to watch it again as long as I live. But I still have scores of movies left on my shelf, and I will continue on with them in the morning. Hopefully, I haven’t lost faith with all of you yet.
Viable Option 