MY MOVIE SHELF: Scream 3

The Task: Watch and write about every movie on my shelf, in order (Blu-rays are sorted after DVDs), by June 10, 2015.  Remaining movies: 195  Days to go: 138

Movie #243:  Scream 3

I like a good trilogy. I’m a Star Wars girl, always have been, so trilogies are kind of my thing. I miss the days when trilogies consisted of only three movies, but that’s another story altogether. A good trilogy needs to form a narrative arc that spans all three films. It has to highlight the past from another angle, revealing new motives, new players, and information that wasn’t revealed previously. As Randy (Jamie Kennedy) says — brought back from the grave in a taped revelation by his sister Martha (Heather Matarazzo) — “It’s all about going back to the beginning.”

Scream 3 starts with the third installment of the Stab movies under production. Cotton Weary (Liev Schreiber), now a TV celebrity no doubt thanks to his Diane Sawyer interview, even cameos as himself. Or, he’s supposed to. Poor Cotton is instead the first casualty of Mr. Ghostface this time around (or second, if you count his fiancée, which apparently no one does), just as he is in Stab 3. The buxom Sarah Darling (Jenny McCarthy) plays the character to next die in the film, and she’s the next to die at the hands of Mr. Ghostface too, who is presumably the director Roman (Scott Foley, looking particularly “raper face”-y), but what the audience knows that Sarah doesn’t is that this new killer doesn’t just do scary killer voice. He mimics all kinds of voices, as he just did to Cotton and Almost Mrs. Cotton. Dun dun DUN!!

This time our girl Sidney (Neve Campbell) is living alone on a hill somewhere. She doesn’t even leave her house to go to her job, she just takes crisis calls on her “office” line like she’s Sandra Bullock in The Net or something. She probably ordered pizza online before it was cool. And while her dog is big, if you ask me that fluffy retriever doesn’t look too menacing. He got scared when Sidney had a bad dream, for Pete’s sake, and that’s not going to do her any good for security. Which is what I assume she’s living in the boonies for. Nobody knows her address, only a few select people know her phone number. This chick doesn’t mess around. She is sick and damn tired of having weird psychopaths chase her with knives.

Of course, Cotton’s death (followed by Sarah’s) brings all the old players out of the woodwork, and by old players I mean the only other two still alive, Dewey and Gale (David Arquette and Courteney Cox, back when they were newly married and totally adorable together). Gale is out for a story, of course, but Dewey is there on the movie set working as a consultant and as security detail for the woman playing Gale in the film, Jennifer Jolie (Parker Posey, my very favorite make-believe ditzy wiseass). This brings out the jealousy in Gale since apparently she and Dewey did not part on the best of terms last time. Yikes.

We also have a new ingénue playing Sidney (Emily Mortimer), and Jennifer’s personal bodyguard Steve Stone (Patrick Warburton), plus McDreamy himself (Patrick Dempsey) as homicide detective Mark Kincaid. Naturally all of these people will at some point or another be placed in a suspicious light.

This time the killer seems to have some connection back to Sidney’s mother, as he keeps leaving pictures of her at his murder scenes, really bringing the story back to the beginning after all. Is it possible Billy and Stu didn’t kill her exactly as they said after all? This movie is about the missing piece.

Just kidding, this movie is just about going from one killing to the next with some slapstick and wise cracking and raised eyebrows in between. The whole thing about Sidney’s mom is a forced and ill-conceived plot point if there ever was one, but I guess if you make it all the way to the third movie you’re not really there for story; you’re there to see how much bigger it can get.

The answer is: significantly bigger. More blood, more gore, more red herrings, more outrageous and thrilling deaths, more scare tactics, and it’s a trilogy so your killer is going to be “super human.” Thanks for keeping us apprised, Randy.

I honestly have a lot of fun with this movie, but it’s a good thing I don’t care for reboots. (Translation: No Scream 4 for me, even though I’m really starting to like Emma Roberts.)

MY MOVIE SHELF: Elizabeth

The Task: Watch and write about every movie on my shelf, in order (Blu-rays are sorted after DVDs), by June 10, 2015.  Remaining movies: 281  Days to go: 273

Movie #96: Elizabeth

Let’s talk about the word “virgin.” As we’re all aware, and as this movie depicts, Elizabeth I was known as the Virgin Queen. But as this movie also depicts, that moniker had nothing whatsoever to do with the queen’s sexual experience.

One of the best and most memorable classes I ever took was a Mythology and Religion course my very first semester in college. Despite what most people realize — or, to be sure, what most Christians advertise — religions dating back far before the advent of Christianity feature tales of virgin births. All kinds of ancient beliefs, from across the globe, present the mythos of the virgin birth as a tenet and foundation of their cultures. What we learned, however, was that the word “virgin” didn’t always mean what it means today. Language, culture, evolves over time. “Virgin,” at that time, meant any woman who was no longer under the rule of her father but not yet under the rule of a husband. So, a single woman, basically. And since religions and cultures the world over have oppressed women and shackled them with a moral obligation not held to men, it was assumed that no woman who wasn’t married would be having sex, which is how the term “virgin” came to mean someone who has never had sex. Hence, the term “virgin birth” really meant nothing more than “unwed mother.” Puts a lot of things in perspective, don’t you think?

Anyway, just as virgin meant unwed there, it means unwed here. Queen Elizabeth I was not sexually inexperienced — certainly not according to Elizabeth the movie, but also suggested by many historical texts — she simply refused to marry.

Elizabeth starts during the reign of Elizabeth’s (Cate Blanchett) sister, Queen Mary Tudor (Kathy Burke), killing off all the heretic Protestants in England, of which Elizabeth is one. (Thus inventing the grossest alcoholic drink imaginable, the Bloody Mary. “Mix my precious vodka with grainy, bitter tomato juice, please. And while you’re at it, stick a plant in the glass.”) Many advisers to the queen are urging her to have Elizabeth executed as well, so she will not ascend to the throne and kill off all the Catholics. (The amount of killing done in the name of one God or another — and honestly, a Catholic God and a Protestant God aren’t all THAT different — over the entire course of human history, I swear. Do we have nothing better to do?) Mary delays and eventually dies of her false-pregnancy-inducing cancer, and Elizabeth succeeds her.

The tense religious divides in England at the time created a lot of political upheaval as well, and the movie focuses largely on the constant pressure on Elizabeth to marry and align with either France or Spain (marriage to an eccentric, orgy-loving cross-dressing Vincent Cassel, perhaps?) to secure England’s safety and the constant threats to Elizabeth’s life and throne (the 9th Doctor, Christopher Eccleston, is here masquerading as the Duke of Norfolk, and he’s out for blood, which is funny considering the 10th Doctor’s preference for Elizabeth).

Blanchett is positively stunning in her ability to downplay her natural beauty in favor of Elizabeth’s hard and stoic face, and yet still charm her court with quick wit and a sharp mind that is almost playful at times. I love Shakespeare in Love and I adore Gwyneth in it, but I really really really wish Cate had won the Oscar for Elizabeth, and not just because she wore that outstanding sheer black John Galliano dress that year, with the unbelievable hummingbird and floral embroidery across the back.

Elizabeth in the film is pulled apart emotionally by the stress of reigning over England, of making sound decisions, and of her desire to be with her favorite (and lover) Lord Robert Dudley (Joseph Fiennes). She eschews a lot of marriage pressure from advisers like the lovely and recently departed Richard Attenborough as Sir William Cecil in favor of spending time with Sir Robert, but when she finds out about Robert’s wife, she discards him (leading him to accidentally kill one of Elizabeth’s lady maids played by Kelly Macdonald by having her put on the queen’s dress so he can fuck the queen vicariously, I guess, but the dress was poisoned, so he also kind of accidentally saved Elizabeth in this instance, although that didn’t stop her from cutting him off but good. “You love me so much you’d have me be your whore?!”) and starts following the council of Sir Francis Walsingham (Geoffrey Rush), who is loyal as fuck, going so far as to sex-murder the French threat Mary de Guise (Fanny Ardant) and torturing the holy hell (haha) out of an unfortunately coiffed Daniel Craig as a vicious, murderous priest. Eventually treason is committed by Norfolk and slew of others and Elizabeth has them all beheaded except for the fallen, traitorous Dudley “to always remind me of how close I came to danger,” because Elizabeth was a badass and better than all of them. She had the heart of a lion.

To further state her point (in case the heads on spikes didn’t do it), she has lady maid Emily Mortimer cut off all her hair and gussy her up in a wig and all her queenly trimmings with heavily caked white makeup on every inch of her skin, and pronounce her marriage to England. She will have no other master. It’s just about the ballsiest thing ever done, and I can’t properly express how much I want to be Elizabeth in that moment — strong, confident, powerful, and does not give a fuck.

It’s been a really long time since I’ve seen Elizabeth — it’s not really one of the most rewatchable films ever made, great and deserving of your respect as it is — but I enjoy the hell out of it. Even with all the players and all the plots, the movie never loses its way and manages to be full of intrigue and suspense and betrayal. It’s a commanding film about one of history’s most revered and influential leaders of all time — a woman who, at the age of 25, took the highly contested throne of a country in turmoil and reigned for 44 years, turning England into one of the richest and most-influential kingdoms in the world, LIKE A BOSS — and I absolutely love it.