MY MOVIE SHELF: Star Wars: Episode V — The Empire Strikes Back

The Task: Watch and write about every movie on my shelf, in order (Blu-rays are sorted after DVDs), by June 10, 2015.  Remaining movies: 170  Days to go: 120

Movie #268:  Star Wars: Episode V — The Empire Strikes Back

Several years ago my uncle told me the story of the first time he went to see The Empire Strikes Back. It was opening day, and he was standing in line with a buddy for the next showing. As the previous showing let out, another one of his friends came out, and he was busting at the seams to tell them something about how great it was. They kept putting him off, so he begged and pleaded to just tell them one thing and finally they relented. One thing. The kid cupped his hands over his mouth and breathed, “No, Luke, I am your father.” That guy is probably a horrible internet troll now.

In the Star Wars canon, The Empire Strikes Back is commonly accepted as the strongest and best entry of the franchise. The Empire is bigger, badder and more diabolical — acting more like you’d imagine an evil galactic empire would, really — and the plucky rebels are facing disappointment and defeat at every turn. What’s a rebel soldier to do but ditch his friends to go hang out with a sassy puppet in a swamp? (Just kidding, Yoda! I love you! (And Frank Oz too.))

That’s right, after Luke (Mark Hamill) gets his life saved by warm tauntaun guts and the rebels are forced to flee Hoth after a killer battle with the amazing AT-AT walkers, he takes off with R2D2 for the Dagobah system so he can be a Jedi. (Fun fact: I can shriek just like R2.) Meanwhile, Han (Harrison Ford) and Leia (Carrie Fisher) wind up getting swallowed by a giant earthworm thingy in the middle of an asteroid field. (Okay, technically, Han drove the Millenium Falcon down it’s throat. Must’ve been distracted by all that sexual tension.) They wind up hiding out in Cloud City with Han’s old scoundrel friend Lando (Billy Dee Williams), who kinda sorta totally sells them out to the Empire and gets Han frozen in carbonite and sent off with bounty hunter Boba Fett (Jeremy Bulloch) for good measure. Good times.

Oh, and Luke gets his arm chopped off.

This is also the movie when I think George Lucas kind of got an idea of where he was going with the story (maybe because he wasn’t as involved). The film ramps up the sexy banter with Han and Leia, whereas Luke completely disappears and romantic rivalry implications all but disappear. Plus, he communicates with her telepathically at the end of the film so he doesn’t fall off the bottom of the floating building, indicating she maybe was strong in the Force as well.

Empire has more locations, better graphics, and an all-around stronger script. The battles are thrilling, the stakes are high, and Leia has much better hair in this one with some fancy dangling braid pretzels. The only part that sucks, really, is seeing under Vader’s helmet. Voiced by the legendary James Earl Jones, yet the back of his head is old and bald and white and gross. Talk about a disappointment, albeit a terrifying one.

Thankfully, it makes up for it by having some of the best lines of the whole series, and if you don’t believe me, you’re a scruffy-looking nerf-herder. (“Who’s scruffy-looking?”) True story: A guy I dated once tried to be as pimp as Han Solo by saying “I know,” when I said I loved him. It didn’t work, and it should’ve clued me in to his arrogance. Literally only Han Solo can pull off that kind of cool.

MY MOVIE SHELF: Spies Like Us

The Task: Watch and write about every movie on my shelf, in order (Blu-rays are sorted after DVDs), by June 10, 2015.  Remaining movies: 173  Days to go: 121

Movie #265:  Spies Like Us

Laughter is the best medicine, they say,so how better to deal with the exhaustively long-running Cold War than to make a goofy comedy about it featuring a couple of delightful SNL alums?

“Doctor.”

“Doctor.”

“Doctor?”

“Doctor!”

I’m not saying Spies Like Us is on par with Dr. Strangelove or anything — or even other silly ’80s comedies, really — but I do like it quite a bit. I like the skewering of government officials of all types and positions. I like the subtle but pointed nod to Ronald Reagan’s career in goofy movies of his own, back in the day. I like the absurd levels of secrecy and security. I like the utter and total incompetence of the military as a general rule. I like how Dan Aykroyd routintely pimps out his wife to be the hot chick object of affection for one of his costars (or sometimes, even himself — see Exit to Eden). I like that schlubby goofball Dan Aykroyd is married to internationally recognized gorgeous person Donna Dixon. I like the ridiculous fur coats and hats they wear once they cross into Russia.

Dan Aykroyd is Austin Millbarge, a code breaker and languages expert working in the bowels of the Pentagon and hoping to better himself by taking the Foreign Service Board exam and get some sort of swanky overseas embassy job. Chevy Chase is Emmett Fitz-Hume, a smarmy, lazy, entitled diplomacy worker at the State Department who expects to sleep his way past the exam, or at least have his family legacy get him in. They come together during exam time, when Fitz-Hume railroads Millbarge into helping him cheat on the test in a most spectacular way. (Bonus! Frank Oz is the test administrator who is having none of their shit.) These shenanigans bring them to the attention of nefarious military dudes, who are looking for a couple of schmucks to send up as decoy spies into Pakistan and Russia so the real spies will stop getting killed. They go through a crazy mock-up of military training over the course of a day, and get dropped into the desert with a nebulous mission. Cue a Bob Hope cameo, a botched appendectomy, Donna Dixon as real spy Karen Boyer, scary Russian spies, and some hard-partying Russian missile guards, and you have one heck of a funny little flick.

Also, the Star Wars Defense plan doesn’t work, but it does blow up an MTV satellite, so it’s not all bad.

MY MOVIE SHELF: The Muppets Take Manhattan

The Task: Watch and write about every movie on my shelf, in order (Blu-rays are sorted after DVDs), by June 10, 2015.  Remaining movies: 189  Days to go: 190

Movie #188:  The Muppets Take Manhattan

Confession: I don’t really care about the Muppets. If pressed, I would have to say I don’t like them at all.

Listen, I’m not a monster. I liked the Muppets when I was a kid, and there are certain things — like the opening number of The Muppet Show, for example — that I still have a nostalgic attachment to. But I don’t care about any of the individual characters that way. I have no emotional investment in Kermit. I don’t find Miss Piggy glamorous or awesome in any way. I’m not particularly fond of Gonzo or Fonzie or Beeker or anyone. I don’t even like Statler and Waldorf all that much. So maybe I am a monster, but it does beg the question: Why do I own a Muppet movie?

I honestly don’t know.

I think I used to think I liked the Muppets, mainly because the Muppets are a thing people are supposed to like — even love — unconditionally. And something in my head was drawn to the Manhattan movie more than any of the other ones, maybe for no other reason than I like New York City. I also think I probably held onto this one for my kids, though I don’t recall the older ones ever watching it and even my toddler was only mildly distracted by it today (despite being entranced by the newer movie The Muppets while at her Nana’s house almost two years ago).

I don’t deny the immense talent or cultural contributions of Jim Henson or Frank Oz — both of which extend far beyond the mere reach of the Muppets — but the only real draws for me in this film (or Muppet productions in general) are the guest stars.

The Muppets have a reputation for numerous and high-profile guest stars and usually they are marvelous. Watching The Muppets Take Manhattan again after so much time, however, I find myself mildly interested in Gregory Hines and wildly pleased with Joan Rivers, and sort of lackluster about the rest. There aren’t even enough musical numbers to make the movie worthwhile, and I always kind of found Rizzo the Rat annoying and creepy.

Sigh. I might be thoroughly immune to the allure of Muppets.

But wait! There is one redeeming vignette. There’s a scene in which Piggy imagines knowing Kermit when they were babies and loving him even then, and, hence, The Muppet  Babies were born. I loved The Muppet Babies when I was a kid. I thought they were adorable and funny and super entertaining, and they still are here. It’s “live action” muppets instead of animation, but it was an introduction into a long-running and beloved cartoon that I still have a lot of fondness for. So maybe I’m not a lost Muppet cause after all. Maybe.