MY MOVIE SHELF: Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

The Task: Watch and write about every movie on my shelf, in order (Blu-rays are sorted after DVDs), by June 10, 2015.  Remaining movies: 45 Days to go: 34

Movie #395:  Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

Let’s be clear: I wouldn’t own this if it didn’t come part of the Indiana Jones blu-ray collection. That’s probably the only way they could get people to buy it, really, because it’s not very good. Or actually, it’s okay as far as action-adventure films go. There are certainly far worse ones out there. It’s just not very good for an Indiana Jones flick.

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull is a great example, actually, of a film that should’ve worked. It had all the pieces, or nearly all the pieces, that made other Indiana Jones movies great. It’s directed by Steven Spielberg, featuring the music of John Williams. Harrison Ford is back as Indy, twenty years longer in the tooth than he was for Last Crusade, but still feisty (when he’s not sounding off like a crotchety old man). They even brought back Marion (Karen Allen), easily the best and most substantial romance of Indy’s any of us ever knew about. She’s older too, of course, as are we all. And this was filmed before Shia LaBeouf went crazy, when he was still considered a good actor. Plus it’s got Cate Blanchett as bad guy Irina Spalko, and she’s usually spectacular. So many great pieces, and yet none of them really fit together.

Spalko, for example, is supposed to be eastern Ukrainian KGB, but Blanchett’s accent frequently drifts back to jolly old England, I don’t think intentionally. And most of the dialogue is stilted and awful. Even the story is awkward. We’re used to Indy battling Nazis, and even though Communists were considered a formidable opponent in the Fifties, to our modern sensibilities, they just don’t stand up. Not only that, but while technically Indy is still dealing in religious artifacts and myths, aliens and legends about Roswell and Area 51 are a lot more sci-fi than the Indiana Jones of yore. Indiana Jones is about the past, about being grounded in our history. That’s why he’s an archeologist. It’s not about futuristic “interdimensional beings” from somewhere not of this Earth. (Even Christian myth is a myth of, about and for our world and our world only.) That sounds like a personal taste thing and a minor quibble, and maybe it is, but when you combine it with the fact that by and large Indy’s friend Ox (John Hurt) is just carrying around a magic crystal, mumbling in incomprehensible poems and riddles, instead of Indy interpreting clues and solving puzzles with his knowledge of history and using his ingenuity to get out of booby traps and to the treasure, it falls incredibly flat. Incredibly. Flat.

I joke around a lot about really wishing I could see across the boundaries of stories I love — to see how a character came about in the past or to see where they go in the future — but often stories aren’t meant to work that way. We’re not supposed to find out who Indiana Jones is in WWII or that he’s a big Dwight Eisenhower supporter who hates Commies, when he’s long outgrown the nickname Indiana. We’re not supposed to think about how Marion wound up pregnant and deserted or how Indiana Jones is an aging man with a grown son. The point of fictional characters is that they can stay forever at the age we fell in love with them, and they don’t have to get old and sore and boring or settle down or die or any of that. They can just stay as they were, and we can leave the unexamined to our imaginations, where it’s always better anyway.

Or maybe I can just say I hate this movie and leave it at that.

 

MY MOVIE SHELF: Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade

The Task: Watch and write about every movie on my shelf, in order (Blu-rays are sorted after DVDs), by June 10, 2015.  Remaining movies: 46 Days to go: 34

Movie #394:  Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade

I used to be confident that this was the movie my parents and I went to see on the eve of my mother’s scheduled c-section of my brother, but the timing wasn’t right. (The actual movie we saw that night was Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home.) Still, the experience of sitting in a theater with this movie stuck with me. So much so that I wanted to assign greater importance to it than it actually had. I think that’s because, in my estimation, Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade is the best in the series.

First of all, we start with River Phoenix as young Indiana, back at the height of his adorableness and only a mere four years before his death. He demonstrates Indy’s clear resolve, his charge for preservation over fortune hunting. He reveals the source of his chin scar, the origin of his fear of snakes, and the person who gave him his signature hat. He even demonstrates his first crack of a whip. And he gives us a brief (if mostly heard and unseen) image of life with his father. It’s a delightful inclusion in a film and a franchise that so many people loved, like a reward and thanks for their support.

Secondly, when we join Indy all grown-up again, as we know and love him (played by Harrison Ford), he’s getting redemption for the artifact he lost so many years ago before ultimately being pulled into another mystery of biblical proportions with, once again, the Nazis as his rivals. It’s classic Indiana, going back to the basics. It’s what everyone loves, but it’s also more universal this time because the item everyone’s seeking — the Holy Grail — is a much more identifiable (and sought after) piece of lore. I mean, even I’ve heard of it. Even better, when you realize it’s a trek modeled after that of the Crusades, you understand the title of the film and can stop fretting that this is the last film. (I mean, it WAS the last film, until they put out that wretched Kingdom of the Crystal Skull malarkey, but it didn’t have to be — and wasn’t purporting to be — just because it was called The Last Crusade. It was literally just referring to the Crusades.) (Incidentally, my son watching tonight had the same epiphany about the source of the title that I had 26 years ago in that movie theater. That’s a magical experience, that sort of serendipity, when it happens.)

Thirdly, Henry Jones Sr. (Sean Connery) is a phenomenal character. Perfect casting, for one, and a performance that’s sort of beautifully stuffy and closed off the same way Indy is smirky and accessible. I love his ridiculous tweed suits. I love his distracted musings. I love how he continually ignores his son in favor of whatever Grail lore or intellectual problem he’s fixated on then still arrogantly asserts he was a great father for leaving Indy alone to fend for himself. It’s delusional, yes, but it works because Connery is so committed to Henry’s obliviousness and conviction. Spielberg tends to be drawn to father-son relationships, and this is a great one. These are two men who are somehow both very much alike and drastically different from one another. They have similar fields, similar obsessions, similar interests, and yet they approach relationships so oppositely (though each apparently likes a no-strings roll in the hay every now and then). I love them together, I love the dynamics of their relationship, and I really kind of wish I could get a Henry Jones origin story.

The action in Last Crusade is also up to par with everything else they’ve done in the franchise to date, featuring shootouts and tanks and boat chases and dogfights and fires and motorcycle flips and no tickets on the zeppelin and a crypt full of burning, squealing rats. It’s thrilling and great, and the film moves quickly from one exciting escape to the next without feeling nearly as repetitive as Raiders. (I do love the Ark of the Covenant reference, though. That’s great.) The best part, though, is in the location of the Grail, as Indy moves from test to test, solving the riddles of legend and working his way back to the worlds oldest knight. (“… you, who have vanquished me.”) Not only that, but I’d argue that Walter Donovan (Julian Glover) aging himself into dust in the matter of seconds, as Elsa (Alison Doody) screams her head off, is as terrifying a scene as anyone’s heart getting ripped out. Except it’s better, because Sir Oldface (Robert Eddison) follows it up with “He chose poorly.” Yeah, no kidding, dude.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade is such a perfect movie, such a thrilling and clever action-adventure flick, that I really wish it had been the franchise’s last. Then I’d never again have to think about Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.

Up next: Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. Ugh.

 

 

MY MOVIE SHELF: Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom

 

The Task: Watch and write about every movie on my shelf, in order (Blu-rays are sorted after DVDs), by June 10, 2015.  Remaining movies: 47 Days to go: 34

Movie #393:  Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom

Temple of Doom was the first movie I remember being really aware of news about. My age was still in the single digits when it came out and while I loved it a whole lot, my hands absolutely went over my eyes during the infamous heart removal scene. A few months later I remember being in an airport (my grandfather had just died) and seeing magazine articles about the call for a PG-13 rating because of the graphic nature of that one scene in this movie specifically. I remember being on-board with it then, as much as a child can have an informed opinion about such things, and I think its initial use and intent was well-founded. Over the years, though, the rating has become a blurred catch-all, it seems, losing almost all meaning regarding what may or may not be inappropriate for kids. That’s a discussion for another time, of course, but it all started right here with this movie, and that’s kind of fascinating.

I’ve heard a lot of opinions recently that Temple of Doom is a significantly lesser Indiana Jones adventure, but I admit I like it immensely. Perhaps it’s because the age I was when it came out, or that it had a kid my age in it (lots of kids in it, actually). It could be any number of things, but whatever the reason(s), I think it’s great. Yes, it perpetuates some needlessly negative Asian stereotypes (although at least it cast actual Asian people for the roles), and Willie Scott (Kate Capshaw) is kind of a shrieking buffoon, and Indy (Harrison Ford) is kind of more sexist and misogynistic than he is in the other films, and he’s kind of passing it along to a new generation by being a sexism role model to Short Round (Jonathan Ke Quan), but the movie’s got jokes! And thrills! And voodoo? Whatever. It’s exciting!

There’s a plane drop in a raft over the mountains, that acts first like a sled over the snow and then falls into a river. There’s a nasty snake and brains meal. There’s a deadly collapsing room (with spikes for good measure). There’s human sacrifice, crazy bugs all over the place, lots of fighting, and a great scene where Willie yelling at Indy from the hallway is juxtaposed with him in his room fighting off an evil thug attack. Plus there’s an amazing mine car chase that I basically wanted to ride in roller coaster form my entire life. I mean, I realized it wasn’t possible, what with the missing track and whatnot, and now that they could probably recreate the feeling of it through simulation it would no longer be remotely relevant or current (the movie is over thirty years old), but it still would’ve been fun. (I still kind of want this in my life.)

Short Round is actually my favorite character in any Indiana Jones movie. I basically adopted his “you listen me more, you live longer” saying as my own philosophy because no one ever listens to me until it’s too late. That probably sounds arrogant, but I stand by it. I also really loved his father-son affection for Indy and that fact that, ultimately, it’s Short Round who saves Indiana Jones. I guess if he listened to Short Round he really would live longer. Or at least have to be saved less.

Temple of Doom is a great action-adventure movie, and an original one at that. And as Spielberg’s experience had grown over the years, the movie is better constructed and better executed than Raiders of the Lost Ark, no matter if anyone admits it or not. Even something simply like costuming the Indian villagers in all brown, drab fabrics at the beginning of the film, and bright, vibrant colors at the end makes a clear and definitive visual statement that speaks to much stronger moviemaking overall. I’m not saying it’s the best thing Spielberg has ever done, but it’s pretty damn good.

Plus, I love that Kate Capshaw and Steven Spielberg fell in love on the film, got married, raised a million children, and are still super happy and in love to this day. I’m an incredible softy that way.

Next, the last is not the last!

 

MY MOVIE SHELF: Raiders of the Lost Ark

The Task: Watch and write about every movie on my shelf, in order (Blu-rays are sorted after DVDs), by June 10, 2015.  Remaining movies: 48 Days to go: 34

Movie #392:  Raiders of the Lost Ark

When I was a kid, this movie was just called Raiders of the Lost Ark (and that’s what IMDb still calls it, if we’re keeping score) but the packaging and disc menu titles have all been changed to Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark because apparently we as a society can’t just leave well enough alone.

This was my mother’s favorite movie when I was very young. Or at least, that was my impression of things. Whether or not you choose to believe a kindergartener really understands her mother is up to you, but I definitely have a half-remembered impression of her being really excited about it.

For me, Raiders of the Lost Ark is kind of rough around the edges and wet behind the ears, like it’s still finding its footing in the action-adventure world. Not that there’s not a plethora of both action and adventure in the film, it’s just that it’s a little choppier than its sequels — it’s easily identifiable as the first run. It’s not bad at all — it’s GREAT — but that choppiness is perhaps why I’ve seen it the fewest times (not including Crystal Skull, which is awful and doesn’t count).

Oddly enough, I’ve seen the stunt performances from Raiders done live, at whatever Disney World is calling their movie studio theme park these days, more times than I’ve seen the actual film. They do the iconic boulder scene, the marketplace fight where Marion (Karen Allen) is taken, and the scene with the Nazi plane. It’s pretty great if you’ve never been, or if you’ve never indulged in that particular show. Honestly, if they had a live face-melting performance it would probably sate my desire to see the film entirely. But they don’t, so I still come to the film now and then.

Indiana Jones (Harrison Ford) is not, to my knowledge, a typical archeologist, though he probably single-handedly sent thousands of kids to college as archeology majors for a decade, at least. We meet him first in the Peruvian mountains (the fading of the Paramount logo into a mountain in the film’s setting is one of my favorite gimmicks of the series, because it’s such a simple, clever thing), where he’s besting a number of deadly puzzles in order to retrieve a golden idol from some sort of ancient booby-trapped tomb. He does all the work, gets betrayed by his friend and assistant Satipo (Alfred Molina), still manages to escape the tomb with the idol, and winds up with it stolen from him by his nemesis Belloq (Paul Freeman) anyway. He returns to his more sedate existence as a professor (where literally the only other women in the movie are simpering idiots writing love notes on their eyelids in the hopes of winning Dr. Jones over), and is informed by his colleague Marcus Brody (Denholm Elliott) of efforts by the Nazis to uncover the Ark of the Covenant, which is apparently a pretty big deal in biblical lore.

So Indy dons his leather jacket, his fedora and his whip again and heads to Nepal to find a medallion from Marion’s father. Only her father is dead and she hates Indy for screwing her and then ditching her, and frankly I’m on your side, Marion. I don’t care how good-looking he is. It’s no excuse. But the characterization of Indy is of course as a charming, intelligent rogue. He’s a ladies’ man, sure, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t care. He’s a fantasy of male and female legend, a romantic hero of the highest order (as long as you don’t mind him leaving the moment the next adventure calls, but we won’t focus on that part). Brave and daring with a weathered look and a knowing smirk sexy enough to melt the hearts of millions, Indiana Jones was a hero for the ages.

And the adventure he and Marion go on is pretty exciting too. Well, mostly. She gets kidnapped by Belloq multiple times so he can dress her up and leer at her (best case scenario, that’s all it is), while Indy fights off every kind of hoodlum imaginable, travels half the world trying to track down the Nazis and the Ark, and once again does all the work of finding the thing before Belloq steals it out from under him and the Nazis throw Marion into the pit of snakes Jones has been in all this time. (“It had to be snakes.”) That’s not going to stop Indiana Jones, though. He and Marion escape, blow up a plane, steal the Ark back and try to take it away on a ship, only to have it (and Marion, sigh) stolen away again. (It’s a little repetitive, this movie.) Luckily, though, Indy gets himself kidnapped next so he can instruct Marion not to look at the Ark when the Nazis open it. It’s like somehow he intuited it would melt all the eyeballs exposed to it!

I give Raiders of the Lost Ark a bit of a hard time, but I really do like it a lot. That sweeping score, that heroic theme, and a man whose greatest traits are his intelligence and his nerve. Sure, he’s about to ditch Marion AGAIN (I mean, I assume, eventually. He isn’t seeing her anymore by the time of his next adventure at any rate), but I have a feeling Marion can take care of her damn self. If all else fails, anyway, she can at the very least drink everyone under the table. That’s a pretty important life skill.

Up next: A prequel that launched a thousand PG-13s!

MY MOVIE SHELF: Working Girl

The Task: Watch and write about every movie on my shelf, in order (Blu-rays are sorted after DVDs), by June 10, 2015.  Remaining movies: 132 Days to go: 92

Movie #308:  Working Girl

Has anyone ever thought about the title of this film? If there had been the Internet and Twitter in 1988, I’m sure there would’ve been a dozen clickbait thinkpieces on it, but I’ve no idea if it had ever really been discussed in the traditional formats of the day. Working girl is a term for a prostitute, as we all know, and while the movie Working Girl is not about a prostitute but about a woman trying to make it in corporate America, it is a clever little play on words about how difficult that actually is. Women (even today, not just way back in 1988) aren’t always taken seriously, are sometimes objectified, and are almost always required to play by men’s rules in order to get ahead. This particular working girl, in fact, (Tess McGill, played to perfection by Melanie Griffith) is quite literally prostituted out by  her boss (Oliver Platt) over to some cokehead in Arbitrage (Kevin Spacey), the assumption being she could maybe sleep her way into a better position. It’s gross, but not really all that surprising, and I find the double meaning of the film’s title to be an intriguing detail, an added layer to the richness and depth of the story.

Working Girl is not just about the struggles of women in the business world, though. It’s also about the Haves versus the Have-Nots. After the unfortunate moment with the cokehead from Arbitrage and his porn limo, Tess gets a job working for Katharine Parker (Sigourney Weaver). It’s her first time working for a woman, so she thinks things will finally be different. Katharine, however, is not of the same ilk as Tess. She comes from money, has been afforded every advantage, and has never really had to work or hustle for anything. She thinks Tess is beneath her, and she takes advantage by trying to pass off Tess’s idea for a business deal as her own. Like everything else, Katharine considers it her due.

Thanks to Katharine being laid up with a broken leg in Europe, though, when Tess finds out about the subterfuge, she goes to work correcting it. She contacts the man Katharine was going to reach out to, Jack Trainer (Harrison Ford), and fakes and stumbles her way through this new world, passing herself off as Katharine’s colleague instead of her secretary. It’s crazy, and yet you can’t help rooting for her — because she’s been wronged, because she’s smarter and works harder than almost anyone else around, and because the deck has always been and will always be stacked against her.

There are close calls and shenanigans in all sorts of settings: tropical themed weddings, “lust and tequila,” changing shirts at the office, failing to check the dosage on the Valium, and Tess’s boyfriend Nick (Alec Baldwin) screwing some skinny chick while Tess is supposed to be at class and then still having the cajones to get pissed when she answers “Maybe” to his marriage proposal. It’s a rollercoaster.

Harrison Ford is at maximum charming in this film, shorting circuits for miles in every direction with his serious sexiness overload. Whether he’s making up stories about where he got his chin scar or discarding the idea that Tess might not like him or admitting that he MIGHT have peeked when he got her undressed for bed, he is the most desirable man on the planet or any other planet in this movie. Han Solo IS a scruffy-looking nerf herder next to Jack Trainer. He’s sharp, witty, quick on his feet, and never once patronizing or condescending to Tess the way literally almost every other person she’s met up to that point has been. “The Earth moved. The angels wept. The Polaroids are … are … uh … are in my other coat.” More’s the pity.

This particular tale also benefits tremendously from the presence of Tess’s best friend Cynthia (Joan Cusack), who is loving and supportive but who also doesn’t want to see her friend get hurt by all this social-climbing and who frequently tells it like it is. “Sometimes I sing and dance around the house in my underwear. Doesn’t make me Madonna. Never will.”

Some people might dub Working Girl a Cinderella story, but it’s not. Tess works and strives for every single thing she has. She knows her stuff, she’s aware of the stakes, and she plays their game. And she wins. “You can bend the rules plenty once you get to the top, but not while you’re trying to get there. And if you’re someone like me, you can’t get there without bending the rules.” It’s a gamble, but it pays off in spades. She gets the better of Katharine’s “bony ass,” she gets the guy who is WAY BETTER BY LIKE A MILLION TIMES than the disconcertingly hairy guy she was with before, and she even gets a much better position than she thought when Oren Trask (Philip Bosco) offers her a job at his office. And she never once had to prostitute herself.

It kind of makes you want to sing a soaring Carly Simon song, doesn’t it?

MY MOVIE SHELF: What Lies Beneath

 

The Task: Watch and write about every movie on my shelf, in order (Blu-rays are sorted after DVDs), by June 10, 2015.  Remaining movies: 139  Days to go: 95

Movie #299:  What Lies Beneath

I love movies that thwart expectations. Harrison Ford has always played a good guy. Even if he’s a nerf herder or a scoundrel or an unfaithful husband and slimy lawyer who grows a whole new personality after being shot in the head, his characters are almost always on the right side of the law, or they are the law, or they’re fighting for justice somehow. He’s even played the President of the United States, who single-handedly fought off Russian terrorists on his plane with his bare fists. The guy likes to be the hero. That’s why What Lies Beneath is such a departure.

What Lies Beneath works, one hundred percent, because the audience expects the best from Harrison Ford as Norman Spencer. He’s an academic, a sophisticate. He has a beautiful wife named Claire (Michelle Pfeiffer) and a gorgeous house in Vermont and you are compelled to think the best of him. That’s the kind of character Ford plays. He has an entire movie that can be (and has been) boiled down to him vehemently declaring over and over “I did not kill my wife!” And not ten months prior to What Lies Beneath coming out, Ford starred in a movie in which his loving wife was dead again, only it turns out she was cheating on him with the husband of the woman played by Kristin Scott Thomas. He’s the good guy; he’s the cuckold; he’s the right one. Even if the ghost haunting his wife is some student Norman had an affair with a year ago, clearly it is some Fatal Attraction sort of situation. She’s just some psycho hose ghost and he’s an innocent victim who made a mistake. One mistake! An indiscretion! It should hardly even count. He’s the impeccable one, right?

Okay, so What Lies Beneath is one of those movies that I’d love to be able to talk about without revealing too much of the plot, but that ship has pretty much sailed at this point — and honestly, it’s a movie from fifteen years ago. If you haven’t watched it by now, chances are you weren’t going to UNLESS someone told you the plot. And the plot is really, surprisingly great. (Props to S.H.I.E.L.D.’s Agent Coulson — Clark Gregg — who I guess moonlights as a screenwriter, for writing this one.)

It’s safe to say What Lies Beneath was not what I was expecting, but it really surprised me in the best of ways. It’s a murder mystery and a horror story, but it’s not gratuitous or gory. The horror is created almost entirely through atmosphere and tone — setting, music, lighting — and there are some incredibly innovative shots meant to provide alternate visual perspectives: close, confining shots, done at awkward angles, or reflected through mirrors. One even seems to come up from below the floor. There is a physical ghost (Amber Valletta), but she’s used with great restraint and to great effect. She shows up at the most opportune times, to great optimal jump moments, and then the rest of the time her presence is implied through objects or events (I don’t believe in ghosts, but if my bathtub ever spontaneously filled itself once, much less on multiple occasions, I’d be moving.), and Pfeiffer even gives one hell of a great subtle possession scene, where we know Claire’s altered but her husband does not. And the entire final showdown, once Norman has no more outs, is a very suspenseful, tense and satisfying end, all around.

There’s a red herring story featuring Claire’s neighbor Mary Feur (Miranda Otto) that doesn’t seem to be handled quite as well as it could be, and the editing could be just a little bit tighter, but for the most part I find the movie incredibly successful. Even factoring in the two sort of obvious Chekov’s Gun situations (One, never show your villain’s students administering a paralytic agent to a rat without making full use of that paralytic agent come the film’s climax. And two, never explain that your cell phone doesn’t have service until the midpoint of the bridge without eventually needing to make a call on that bridge.), the plot unfolds at the pace and with the effect that the director and writers intend. It’s a solid film, and it’s unlike most everything else that rogue, rugged hero Harrison Ford has ever done.

 

 

MY MOVIE SHELF: Star Wars: Episode VI — Return of the Jedi

 

The Task: Watch and write about every movie on my shelf, in order (Blu-rays are sorted after DVDs), by June 10, 2015.  Remaining movies: 169  Days to go: 120

Movie #269:  Star Wars: Episode VI — Return of the Jedi

A lot of people seem to have some sort of problem with Jedi, particularly the Ewoks. I don’t get it. Aside from “ewok” essentially being a syllabic reversal of “wookiee” just as the Ewoks are short furry dudes to Chewbacca (Peter Mayhew) and other Wookiees being tall furry dudes, I think the Ewoks are fun. They’re adorable, they say things like “yub yub,” and they display a hell of a lot of ingenuity for a primitive race, in both their daily lives and their fighting strategies. A high school friend of mine even voted for the “Ewok Celebration Theme” to be the official prom song junior year. She was being contrarian, sure, but it made just as much sense as eventual winner “In Your Eyes” by Peter Gabriel, which came out a full six years before said prom. But I digress.

Return of the Jedi is actually my favorite of the original trilogy, probably because I was of the perfect age when it came out. It appealed to me on every level. I especially like the entire opening sequence in Jabba’s lair. (Again, this is the original theatrical release, so Boba Fett (Jeremy Bulloch) is no chick magnet in my version.) I like Leia (Carrie Fisher) disguising herself as a bounty hunter to rescue Han (Harrison Ford). I like Lando (Billy Dee Williams) in full stealth guard mode. I like the weird dude with the super long head. I like the band. I like how Luke (Mark Hamill) outsmarts the rancor, and how he’s suddenly claiming to be a freaking Jedi Knight. (Han agrees with my skepticism on this point.) I like Princess Leia in her gold bikini, and I’ve wanted to be her on more than one occasion. I like the pig guards and Jabba’s little rat sidekick and I like the entire battle over the sarlacc monster. It’s fucking great, all of it. (Though if this was honestly their plan from the start, these people are fucked in the head.)

I also think Jedi moves along well, tying up loose ends (RIP Yoda), revealing Luke’s sister, and interweaving the Endor battle with Luke’s showdown with Emperor Palpatine (Ian McDiarmid) really well. I even like the final redemption of Darth Vader (voiced by James Earl Jones) by way of throwing the electrified emperor down a huge abyss. I could do without then turning the imposing Vader into gross old Anakin Skywalker (Sebastian Shaw — dude, isn’t that the name of Kevin Bacon’s character in X-Men First Class?), but at least in this version I don’t have to look at damn Hayden Christensen in the closing apparition scene. (Original theatrical release or GTFO.)

On top of all that, I actually think the speeder bike chase on Endor is spectacular, and I’ve always kind of wanted one of those for myself even though I would undoubtedly crash and die the second I started it up. (Fun fact: If you stand in one of the exterior folds of the Carrier Dome at Syracuse University wearing hard soled shoes and you stomp the ground, it makes a sound that was used as a sound effect in the Endor scenes. The More You Know.) And actually, the entire Endor battle is phenomenal and exciting and great. I love it.

Return of the Jedi gives you Han and Lando both promoted to general, C-3PO (Anthony Daniels) playing both God and amazeballs storyteller to the Ewoks, Leia with insanely long, awesome hair and some kickass killer instincts as well as some Force “feelings,” and Luke using his telekinesis all over the place. How the hell are you going to complain about that? (“It’s a trap!”) That’s right, you’re not.

MY MOVIE SHELF: Star Wars: Episode V — The Empire Strikes Back

The Task: Watch and write about every movie on my shelf, in order (Blu-rays are sorted after DVDs), by June 10, 2015.  Remaining movies: 170  Days to go: 120

Movie #268:  Star Wars: Episode V — The Empire Strikes Back

Several years ago my uncle told me the story of the first time he went to see The Empire Strikes Back. It was opening day, and he was standing in line with a buddy for the next showing. As the previous showing let out, another one of his friends came out, and he was busting at the seams to tell them something about how great it was. They kept putting him off, so he begged and pleaded to just tell them one thing and finally they relented. One thing. The kid cupped his hands over his mouth and breathed, “No, Luke, I am your father.” That guy is probably a horrible internet troll now.

In the Star Wars canon, The Empire Strikes Back is commonly accepted as the strongest and best entry of the franchise. The Empire is bigger, badder and more diabolical — acting more like you’d imagine an evil galactic empire would, really — and the plucky rebels are facing disappointment and defeat at every turn. What’s a rebel soldier to do but ditch his friends to go hang out with a sassy puppet in a swamp? (Just kidding, Yoda! I love you! (And Frank Oz too.))

That’s right, after Luke (Mark Hamill) gets his life saved by warm tauntaun guts and the rebels are forced to flee Hoth after a killer battle with the amazing AT-AT walkers, he takes off with R2D2 for the Dagobah system so he can be a Jedi. (Fun fact: I can shriek just like R2.) Meanwhile, Han (Harrison Ford) and Leia (Carrie Fisher) wind up getting swallowed by a giant earthworm thingy in the middle of an asteroid field. (Okay, technically, Han drove the Millenium Falcon down it’s throat. Must’ve been distracted by all that sexual tension.) They wind up hiding out in Cloud City with Han’s old scoundrel friend Lando (Billy Dee Williams), who kinda sorta totally sells them out to the Empire and gets Han frozen in carbonite and sent off with bounty hunter Boba Fett (Jeremy Bulloch) for good measure. Good times.

Oh, and Luke gets his arm chopped off.

This is also the movie when I think George Lucas kind of got an idea of where he was going with the story (maybe because he wasn’t as involved). The film ramps up the sexy banter with Han and Leia, whereas Luke completely disappears and romantic rivalry implications all but disappear. Plus, he communicates with her telepathically at the end of the film so he doesn’t fall off the bottom of the floating building, indicating she maybe was strong in the Force as well.

Empire has more locations, better graphics, and an all-around stronger script. The battles are thrilling, the stakes are high, and Leia has much better hair in this one with some fancy dangling braid pretzels. The only part that sucks, really, is seeing under Vader’s helmet. Voiced by the legendary James Earl Jones, yet the back of his head is old and bald and white and gross. Talk about a disappointment, albeit a terrifying one.

Thankfully, it makes up for it by having some of the best lines of the whole series, and if you don’t believe me, you’re a scruffy-looking nerf-herder. (“Who’s scruffy-looking?”) True story: A guy I dated once tried to be as pimp as Han Solo by saying “I know,” when I said I loved him. It didn’t work, and it should’ve clued me in to his arrogance. Literally only Han Solo can pull off that kind of cool.

MY MOVIE SHELF: Star Wars: Episode IV — A New Hope

The Task: Watch and write about every movie on my shelf, in order (Blu-rays are sorted after DVDs), by June 10, 2015.  Remaining movies: 171  Days to go: 120

Movie #267:  Star Wars: Episode IV — A New Hope

I am a lifelong Star Wars girl. According to my mom, I was taken to see it when I was very young (I was scared of the Jawas), and I’ve loved it as far back as I can remember. I was incredibly disappointed by the twentieth anniversary re-release (to say nothing of the abhorrent Episodes I-III), and I own this set specifically because it contains the  original theatrical version and I don’t have to be subjected to stupid walking Jabba in Mos Eisley. (As if that rich, powerful and imposing slug would ever walk anywhere, even to get Han). It is, unfortunately, still “digitally remastered,” which means I have to endure a distracting CGI landspeeder shadow and these new super explosion graphics, but I’ll live. At least it’s still, essentially, the movie I remember so fondly from my youth.

George Lucas has famously said that he’d planned this out as a nine part saga from the very start, and while it’s a nice idea, I don’t exactly buy it. Like, would he really have planned for a romantic rivalry if he knew ahead of time that Luke (Mark Hamill) and Leia (Carrie Fisher) were related? No, you can’t convince me he intended to go with incestuous leanings on the outset. Also, Vader (voiced by James Earl Jones) supposedly “betrayed and murdered” Luke’s father. Oh sure, sure, Obi-Wan (Alec Guinness) reveals in Jedi that by becoming Vader, Anakin was destroyed, but where’s the betrayal part? Clearly, Lucas was just making it up as he went along. And that’s fine! I don’t care. I don’t think it matters at all if it wasn’t planned as an epic. I mean, maybe he had an idea to make it this massive, multi-part franchise, but he didn’t have it all plotted out like he’s claimed. I wish he’d just admit it instead of all the posturing he does. Then again, he’s made it clear from his constant tweaks to the films that the man is a fan of revisionist history. I mean, really. Not only did Han (Harrison Ford) shoot first, he’s the only one who shot. Greedo just died.

I kind of got ahead of myself at times there, but it’s hard to talk Star Wars without discussing the entire arc of the original three films. In this one in particular, however, there’s a glowing sheen of innocence kind of surrounding everything on the screen. Empire is considered darker because of its plot, but it’s also so much slicker and more polished in terms of the look and the effects. Here the aliens in the cantina are all so clearly men in cheap awkward costumes it’s kind of hilarious. And that’s what makes it great. The idea of Obi-Wan Kenobi going into hiding by changing his name to Ben Kenobi is ludicrous and awesome and just as plausible as  getting your name from a nearby cereal box and calling yourself Mr. Cheerios. And I love that!

I love Leia’s on-again-off-again British accent. I love all of Luke’s squealed, whining lines of dialogue. I love that evil Lord Vader is like, lower-level management in this film, and he even has to go out in his own TIE fighter to shoot rebels. I love that X-wing guns can shoot lasers in a curved arc that go down a hole and into the one tiny little spot that’s going to blow up an entire moon.  I love every cheesy little cobbled together thing about this movie, and I always will.

“I knew there was more to you than money!”