MY MOVIE SHELF: Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

The Task: Watch and write about every movie on my shelf, in order (Blu-rays are sorted after DVDs), by June 10, 2015.  Remaining movies: 45 Days to go: 34

Movie #395:  Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

Let’s be clear: I wouldn’t own this if it didn’t come part of the Indiana Jones blu-ray collection. That’s probably the only way they could get people to buy it, really, because it’s not very good. Or actually, it’s okay as far as action-adventure films go. There are certainly far worse ones out there. It’s just not very good for an Indiana Jones flick.

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull is a great example, actually, of a film that should’ve worked. It had all the pieces, or nearly all the pieces, that made other Indiana Jones movies great. It’s directed by Steven Spielberg, featuring the music of John Williams. Harrison Ford is back as Indy, twenty years longer in the tooth than he was for Last Crusade, but still feisty (when he’s not sounding off like a crotchety old man). They even brought back Marion (Karen Allen), easily the best and most substantial romance of Indy’s any of us ever knew about. She’s older too, of course, as are we all. And this was filmed before Shia LaBeouf went crazy, when he was still considered a good actor. Plus it’s got Cate Blanchett as bad guy Irina Spalko, and she’s usually spectacular. So many great pieces, and yet none of them really fit together.

Spalko, for example, is supposed to be eastern Ukrainian KGB, but Blanchett’s accent frequently drifts back to jolly old England, I don’t think intentionally. And most of the dialogue is stilted and awful. Even the story is awkward. We’re used to Indy battling Nazis, and even though Communists were considered a formidable opponent in the Fifties, to our modern sensibilities, they just don’t stand up. Not only that, but while technically Indy is still dealing in religious artifacts and myths, aliens and legends about Roswell and Area 51 are a lot more sci-fi than the Indiana Jones of yore. Indiana Jones is about the past, about being grounded in our history. That’s why he’s an archeologist. It’s not about futuristic “interdimensional beings” from somewhere not of this Earth. (Even Christian myth is a myth of, about and for our world and our world only.) That sounds like a personal taste thing and a minor quibble, and maybe it is, but when you combine it with the fact that by and large Indy’s friend Ox (John Hurt) is just carrying around a magic crystal, mumbling in incomprehensible poems and riddles, instead of Indy interpreting clues and solving puzzles with his knowledge of history and using his ingenuity to get out of booby traps and to the treasure, it falls incredibly flat. Incredibly. Flat.

I joke around a lot about really wishing I could see across the boundaries of stories I love — to see how a character came about in the past or to see where they go in the future — but often stories aren’t meant to work that way. We’re not supposed to find out who Indiana Jones is in WWII or that he’s a big Dwight Eisenhower supporter who hates Commies, when he’s long outgrown the nickname Indiana. We’re not supposed to think about how Marion wound up pregnant and deserted or how Indiana Jones is an aging man with a grown son. The point of fictional characters is that they can stay forever at the age we fell in love with them, and they don’t have to get old and sore and boring or settle down or die or any of that. They can just stay as they were, and we can leave the unexamined to our imaginations, where it’s always better anyway.

Or maybe I can just say I hate this movie and leave it at that.

 

MY MOVIE SHELF: Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade

The Task: Watch and write about every movie on my shelf, in order (Blu-rays are sorted after DVDs), by June 10, 2015.  Remaining movies: 46 Days to go: 34

Movie #394:  Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade

I used to be confident that this was the movie my parents and I went to see on the eve of my mother’s scheduled c-section of my brother, but the timing wasn’t right. (The actual movie we saw that night was Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home.) Still, the experience of sitting in a theater with this movie stuck with me. So much so that I wanted to assign greater importance to it than it actually had. I think that’s because, in my estimation, Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade is the best in the series.

First of all, we start with River Phoenix as young Indiana, back at the height of his adorableness and only a mere four years before his death. He demonstrates Indy’s clear resolve, his charge for preservation over fortune hunting. He reveals the source of his chin scar, the origin of his fear of snakes, and the person who gave him his signature hat. He even demonstrates his first crack of a whip. And he gives us a brief (if mostly heard and unseen) image of life with his father. It’s a delightful inclusion in a film and a franchise that so many people loved, like a reward and thanks for their support.

Secondly, when we join Indy all grown-up again, as we know and love him (played by Harrison Ford), he’s getting redemption for the artifact he lost so many years ago before ultimately being pulled into another mystery of biblical proportions with, once again, the Nazis as his rivals. It’s classic Indiana, going back to the basics. It’s what everyone loves, but it’s also more universal this time because the item everyone’s seeking — the Holy Grail — is a much more identifiable (and sought after) piece of lore. I mean, even I’ve heard of it. Even better, when you realize it’s a trek modeled after that of the Crusades, you understand the title of the film and can stop fretting that this is the last film. (I mean, it WAS the last film, until they put out that wretched Kingdom of the Crystal Skull malarkey, but it didn’t have to be — and wasn’t purporting to be — just because it was called The Last Crusade. It was literally just referring to the Crusades.) (Incidentally, my son watching tonight had the same epiphany about the source of the title that I had 26 years ago in that movie theater. That’s a magical experience, that sort of serendipity, when it happens.)

Thirdly, Henry Jones Sr. (Sean Connery) is a phenomenal character. Perfect casting, for one, and a performance that’s sort of beautifully stuffy and closed off the same way Indy is smirky and accessible. I love his ridiculous tweed suits. I love his distracted musings. I love how he continually ignores his son in favor of whatever Grail lore or intellectual problem he’s fixated on then still arrogantly asserts he was a great father for leaving Indy alone to fend for himself. It’s delusional, yes, but it works because Connery is so committed to Henry’s obliviousness and conviction. Spielberg tends to be drawn to father-son relationships, and this is a great one. These are two men who are somehow both very much alike and drastically different from one another. They have similar fields, similar obsessions, similar interests, and yet they approach relationships so oppositely (though each apparently likes a no-strings roll in the hay every now and then). I love them together, I love the dynamics of their relationship, and I really kind of wish I could get a Henry Jones origin story.

The action in Last Crusade is also up to par with everything else they’ve done in the franchise to date, featuring shootouts and tanks and boat chases and dogfights and fires and motorcycle flips and no tickets on the zeppelin and a crypt full of burning, squealing rats. It’s thrilling and great, and the film moves quickly from one exciting escape to the next without feeling nearly as repetitive as Raiders. (I do love the Ark of the Covenant reference, though. That’s great.) The best part, though, is in the location of the Grail, as Indy moves from test to test, solving the riddles of legend and working his way back to the worlds oldest knight. (“… you, who have vanquished me.”) Not only that, but I’d argue that Walter Donovan (Julian Glover) aging himself into dust in the matter of seconds, as Elsa (Alison Doody) screams her head off, is as terrifying a scene as anyone’s heart getting ripped out. Except it’s better, because Sir Oldface (Robert Eddison) follows it up with “He chose poorly.” Yeah, no kidding, dude.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade is such a perfect movie, such a thrilling and clever action-adventure flick, that I really wish it had been the franchise’s last. Then I’d never again have to think about Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.

Up next: Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. Ugh.

 

 

MY MOVIE SHELF: Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom

 

The Task: Watch and write about every movie on my shelf, in order (Blu-rays are sorted after DVDs), by June 10, 2015.  Remaining movies: 47 Days to go: 34

Movie #393:  Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom

Temple of Doom was the first movie I remember being really aware of news about. My age was still in the single digits when it came out and while I loved it a whole lot, my hands absolutely went over my eyes during the infamous heart removal scene. A few months later I remember being in an airport (my grandfather had just died) and seeing magazine articles about the call for a PG-13 rating because of the graphic nature of that one scene in this movie specifically. I remember being on-board with it then, as much as a child can have an informed opinion about such things, and I think its initial use and intent was well-founded. Over the years, though, the rating has become a blurred catch-all, it seems, losing almost all meaning regarding what may or may not be inappropriate for kids. That’s a discussion for another time, of course, but it all started right here with this movie, and that’s kind of fascinating.

I’ve heard a lot of opinions recently that Temple of Doom is a significantly lesser Indiana Jones adventure, but I admit I like it immensely. Perhaps it’s because the age I was when it came out, or that it had a kid my age in it (lots of kids in it, actually). It could be any number of things, but whatever the reason(s), I think it’s great. Yes, it perpetuates some needlessly negative Asian stereotypes (although at least it cast actual Asian people for the roles), and Willie Scott (Kate Capshaw) is kind of a shrieking buffoon, and Indy (Harrison Ford) is kind of more sexist and misogynistic than he is in the other films, and he’s kind of passing it along to a new generation by being a sexism role model to Short Round (Jonathan Ke Quan), but the movie’s got jokes! And thrills! And voodoo? Whatever. It’s exciting!

There’s a plane drop in a raft over the mountains, that acts first like a sled over the snow and then falls into a river. There’s a nasty snake and brains meal. There’s a deadly collapsing room (with spikes for good measure). There’s human sacrifice, crazy bugs all over the place, lots of fighting, and a great scene where Willie yelling at Indy from the hallway is juxtaposed with him in his room fighting off an evil thug attack. Plus there’s an amazing mine car chase that I basically wanted to ride in roller coaster form my entire life. I mean, I realized it wasn’t possible, what with the missing track and whatnot, and now that they could probably recreate the feeling of it through simulation it would no longer be remotely relevant or current (the movie is over thirty years old), but it still would’ve been fun. (I still kind of want this in my life.)

Short Round is actually my favorite character in any Indiana Jones movie. I basically adopted his “you listen me more, you live longer” saying as my own philosophy because no one ever listens to me until it’s too late. That probably sounds arrogant, but I stand by it. I also really loved his father-son affection for Indy and that fact that, ultimately, it’s Short Round who saves Indiana Jones. I guess if he listened to Short Round he really would live longer. Or at least have to be saved less.

Temple of Doom is a great action-adventure movie, and an original one at that. And as Spielberg’s experience had grown over the years, the movie is better constructed and better executed than Raiders of the Lost Ark, no matter if anyone admits it or not. Even something simply like costuming the Indian villagers in all brown, drab fabrics at the beginning of the film, and bright, vibrant colors at the end makes a clear and definitive visual statement that speaks to much stronger moviemaking overall. I’m not saying it’s the best thing Spielberg has ever done, but it’s pretty damn good.

Plus, I love that Kate Capshaw and Steven Spielberg fell in love on the film, got married, raised a million children, and are still super happy and in love to this day. I’m an incredible softy that way.

Next, the last is not the last!

 

MY MOVIE SHELF: Raiders of the Lost Ark

The Task: Watch and write about every movie on my shelf, in order (Blu-rays are sorted after DVDs), by June 10, 2015.  Remaining movies: 48 Days to go: 34

Movie #392:  Raiders of the Lost Ark

When I was a kid, this movie was just called Raiders of the Lost Ark (and that’s what IMDb still calls it, if we’re keeping score) but the packaging and disc menu titles have all been changed to Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark because apparently we as a society can’t just leave well enough alone.

This was my mother’s favorite movie when I was very young. Or at least, that was my impression of things. Whether or not you choose to believe a kindergartener really understands her mother is up to you, but I definitely have a half-remembered impression of her being really excited about it.

For me, Raiders of the Lost Ark is kind of rough around the edges and wet behind the ears, like it’s still finding its footing in the action-adventure world. Not that there’s not a plethora of both action and adventure in the film, it’s just that it’s a little choppier than its sequels — it’s easily identifiable as the first run. It’s not bad at all — it’s GREAT — but that choppiness is perhaps why I’ve seen it the fewest times (not including Crystal Skull, which is awful and doesn’t count).

Oddly enough, I’ve seen the stunt performances from Raiders done live, at whatever Disney World is calling their movie studio theme park these days, more times than I’ve seen the actual film. They do the iconic boulder scene, the marketplace fight where Marion (Karen Allen) is taken, and the scene with the Nazi plane. It’s pretty great if you’ve never been, or if you’ve never indulged in that particular show. Honestly, if they had a live face-melting performance it would probably sate my desire to see the film entirely. But they don’t, so I still come to the film now and then.

Indiana Jones (Harrison Ford) is not, to my knowledge, a typical archeologist, though he probably single-handedly sent thousands of kids to college as archeology majors for a decade, at least. We meet him first in the Peruvian mountains (the fading of the Paramount logo into a mountain in the film’s setting is one of my favorite gimmicks of the series, because it’s such a simple, clever thing), where he’s besting a number of deadly puzzles in order to retrieve a golden idol from some sort of ancient booby-trapped tomb. He does all the work, gets betrayed by his friend and assistant Satipo (Alfred Molina), still manages to escape the tomb with the idol, and winds up with it stolen from him by his nemesis Belloq (Paul Freeman) anyway. He returns to his more sedate existence as a professor (where literally the only other women in the movie are simpering idiots writing love notes on their eyelids in the hopes of winning Dr. Jones over), and is informed by his colleague Marcus Brody (Denholm Elliott) of efforts by the Nazis to uncover the Ark of the Covenant, which is apparently a pretty big deal in biblical lore.

So Indy dons his leather jacket, his fedora and his whip again and heads to Nepal to find a medallion from Marion’s father. Only her father is dead and she hates Indy for screwing her and then ditching her, and frankly I’m on your side, Marion. I don’t care how good-looking he is. It’s no excuse. But the characterization of Indy is of course as a charming, intelligent rogue. He’s a ladies’ man, sure, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t care. He’s a fantasy of male and female legend, a romantic hero of the highest order (as long as you don’t mind him leaving the moment the next adventure calls, but we won’t focus on that part). Brave and daring with a weathered look and a knowing smirk sexy enough to melt the hearts of millions, Indiana Jones was a hero for the ages.

And the adventure he and Marion go on is pretty exciting too. Well, mostly. She gets kidnapped by Belloq multiple times so he can dress her up and leer at her (best case scenario, that’s all it is), while Indy fights off every kind of hoodlum imaginable, travels half the world trying to track down the Nazis and the Ark, and once again does all the work of finding the thing before Belloq steals it out from under him and the Nazis throw Marion into the pit of snakes Jones has been in all this time. (“It had to be snakes.”) That’s not going to stop Indiana Jones, though. He and Marion escape, blow up a plane, steal the Ark back and try to take it away on a ship, only to have it (and Marion, sigh) stolen away again. (It’s a little repetitive, this movie.) Luckily, though, Indy gets himself kidnapped next so he can instruct Marion not to look at the Ark when the Nazis open it. It’s like somehow he intuited it would melt all the eyeballs exposed to it!

I give Raiders of the Lost Ark a bit of a hard time, but I really do like it a lot. That sweeping score, that heroic theme, and a man whose greatest traits are his intelligence and his nerve. Sure, he’s about to ditch Marion AGAIN (I mean, I assume, eventually. He isn’t seeing her anymore by the time of his next adventure at any rate), but I have a feeling Marion can take care of her damn self. If all else fails, anyway, she can at the very least drink everyone under the table. That’s a pretty important life skill.

Up next: A prequel that launched a thousand PG-13s!