MY MOVIE SHELF: The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King

The Task: Watch and write about every movie on my shelf, in order (Blu-rays are sorted after DVDs), by June 10, 2015.  Remaining movies: 86 Days to go: 58

Movie #354:  The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King

Well, I’ve survived it. Again. We’ve come to the end of the Lord of the Rings trilogy, and I couldn’t be more grateful. The subtitles really do help a lot in the understanding (and even enjoyment) of the films, but 1) that shouldn’t be a requirement for a film in (mostly) my native language, and 2) they’re still pretty ridiculous, as far as films go.

The enormity of the task Peter Jackson and company took on and accomplished is not to be swept aside, for it was gigantic and ambitious. That he managed to film three such huge, world-spanning, epic films all at the same time is a feat that will likely never be matched. The special effects throughout the films were impressive and innovative to a stunning degree, and creatures that existed only digitally blended seamlessly into the landscape with human actors. I don’t mean to undercut it at all. That’s why The Return of the King won all the Oscars. I personally wouldn’t have given it all the Oscars, but I can understand why it got them. I don’t really begrudge it that.

What I do begrudge it, however, is the story. Maybe this is largely the fault of author J.R.R. Tolkien, or maybe it falls to the filmmakers, but there are enormous holes in this mess. Like why isn’t the giant, climactic battle of Gondor the actual climax of the film? There’s another hour or more after all is said and done with this battle they’ve been building to for two films. The evilest of evil dudes, who can’t be killed by man, is dead (we’ll get to that in a bit), and the land of Men is saved, and Aragorn (Viggo Mortensen) has returned to be rightful king, and still there’s a ton left to do. In fact, right around the time this battle to end all battles winds down, Frodo (Elijah Wood) and Sam (Sean Astin) are escaping the tower of Mordor together, only to still be about a hundred miles away from the damn mountain as the crows (or shall we say eagles? EAGLES!) fly.

Speaking of that tower of Mordor, why did the Orcs take Frodo up there? Why didn’t they leave him cocooned in spiderweb to be eaten by whatsherface? Just one more pointless obstacle for these hobbits to face? I mean, entire countries have been won and lost in at least three battles since those two split off from the rest of their fellowship, with everyone and their brother traipsing back and forth across the entirety of Middle Earth a dozen times or more, yet they’re still making their way. Slowly, but surely, with a half-dead Frodo, who’s now been stabbed nearly to death three times, will lose a finger before all is said and done, and still can’t just die in the lava of Mount Doom like he most definitely should. (Oh yeah, and how is it that Gollum, voiced by Andy Serkis, can fall down a bottomless gulch and still beat the fucking hobbits to the mountain?? What the fuck?!?) So why is it, exactly, that these magical eagles — the eagles from Deus ex Machina-land who show up  over Mordor to lend assistance to the final army in the final (no really this time) battle — couldn’t have taken the ring, or Frodo, or the entire fucking fellowship into Morder to drop the ring into Mount Doom? Oh, no reason. Are you kidding me??

And as far as that final battle goes — the real, actual final battle, not the one they build up to like it’s the climax of anything — why are the ghost fighters not there? Why did Aragorn release them early? Why didn’t he just employ them from the start? I mean, ghost fighting probably would’ve been pretty impressive, but in actuality all you see is a green wave of death going over the opponents and then it’s over. So why didn’t they just start there? Send the eagles to drop the ring, send the ghost army to take out all the orcs, and be done? Why have we sat through three neverending movies when it could’ve been over in a moderately-lengthed one?

I have to say, the murder of that unkillable witch-king was pretty impressive with Eowyn (Miranda Otto) all, “I am no man!” (Or it would’ve been, if it had come at the end like a normal climax.) But even that was telegraphed from about a thousand miles away. I didn’t even know her name the first time I watched these things, but when Gandalf (Ian McKellen) makes a huge point about the fact that “no living man can kill him,” it wasn’t hard to figure out the rest. I mean, gee, is there a woman of substance in this whole thing who isn’t an elf? Oh yeah, that one, who already foreshadowed how good she is with a sword two movies and, like, seven and a half hours ago. It must be her. Because in Middle Earth, when it comes to any single woman actually doing anything, THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE. (Wait, that’s Highlander. Whatever.)

Then, finally, to compensate for neither of the two previous movies having an ending at all, this one has approximately five. There’s the fade to black after Sam and Frodo collapse on the rock in the sea of lava, but then it fades back in to show the eagles (!!!) picking them up, like no big deal. Then there’s Frodo waking up in Rivendell, and having all the members of the fellowship share a good chuckle over their rousing good time of many months worth of hardship and death, and fade to black again. Then, wait, Aragorn has to be crowned and say something kingly, followed by Legolas (Orlando Bloom) giving him an arched eyebrow at the mysterious figure hiding behind an Elvish banner, like WHO COULD IT BE?? Oh, it’s Arwen (Liv Tyler), miraculously not dead, and her and Aragorn start making out something fierce. Luckily, Eowyn has started eyeballing Faramir (David Wenham) now. And everyone bows down to the hobbits. Fade out AGAIN. Except, no, now Frodo takes up the end of the tale, and the hobbits head back to the shire thirteen months after leaving and share a drink while Sam goes to talk up some chick he likes. Fade out AGAIN. No, wait, now Frodo is talking about how misplaced he still feels, and he finishes up the writing of the tale a full four goddamn years after the whole thing started. Apparently Bilbo (Ian Holm) is still alive, so he accompanies him to Rivendell to go to the Undying Lands, only Frodo goes to, and gives the book to Sam. Then SAM winds up the telling of the tale and goes home to his wife, despite desperately needing to make out with Frodo, like, the entire movie, and takes his happy little family into his hobbit hole door. At long, long last, the end.

And it’s the end for me too. At least as far as The Lord of the Rings is concerned. I will never have to watch it again as long as I live. But I still have scores of movies left on my shelf, and I will continue on with them in the morning. Hopefully, I haven’t lost faith with all of you yet.

 

MY MOVIE SHELF: The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers

The Task: Watch and write about every movie on my shelf, in order (Blu-rays are sorted after DVDs), by June 10, 2015.  Remaining movies: 87 Days to go: 59

Movie #353:  The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers

The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers is a movie without beginning or end. And by that I mean that it starts in the middle of things, and it ends in the middle of things. You aren’t even given the satisfaction of the story of Rohan or the claimed victory at Helm’s Deep, because at the end of the movie Sam (Sean Astin) is telling Frodo (Elijah Wood) how any victories or losses right now are not the end of the story, and there’s far, far more to go.

The Two Towers even backtracks a bit, starting off with Gandalf (Ian McKellen) fending off the thing in the mines from Fellowship, I suppose to show how he ended up not dead and turned into Gandalf the White, though in this first scene they frame it as a dream of Frodo’s. And Aragorn (Viggo Mortensen) flashes back as well to the time in the first film when they were all in Rivendell and Arwen (Liv Tyler) was promising her heart to him. Better off her dad Elrond (Hugo Weaving) convinced her to head to the Undying Lands, though, the way Aragorn and Eowyn (Miranda Otto) make eyes at each other the whole second half of the film. (And again, Arwen and Eowyn are too closely related, sound-wise. Are there not the full complement of letters in Middle Earth?)

When I first saw this one in the theater, all I could really follow was the not-at-all subtle anti-industrialization allegory offered up by the tree people, which is pretty irritating. I mean, it’s an irritating attempt at profundity anyway, but it’s also irritating that the story is so hard to follow. It jumps back and forth, across multiple storylines and even more locations, and I simply can’t keep up. Even with the subtitles on tonight — a necessary function, if I’m able to follow a word — I still found it difficult to keep track of every character and every relationship and every motivation and every event. Though I did much better this time around, at least. Woo, subtitles!

Of course, subtitles are their own double-edged sword, because while they allow me to understand that Gimli (John Rhys-Davies) has jokes, and that he and Legolas (Orlando Bloom) have a bit of a playful rivalry, they also make it pretty clear that Gimli has turned into a bit of a joke himself, comic relief as the short little dwarf who can neither see a battle over a wall or jump into it from a ledge. Poor Gimli.

The primary achievement of The Two Towers, though, is Gollum, voiced and acted via motion-capture technology by Andy Serkis. The effects and the rendering of Gollum are exemplary, and I don’t take anything away from Serkis or from Peter Jackson and his whole special effects team with regard to this film or the other two, honestly. It’s a stunning achievement. I just … don’t care.

Not being a big fan of the hobbits to begin with, I’m unaffected by Frodo’s slow descent into madness or his sympathy for the man/creature Smeagol that Gollum used to be. I also don’t care about Sam’s endless attempts to reach Frodo or to thwart Gollum, though I do feel bad for Sean Astin being referred to as the “fat hobbit.” That’s rough. Honestly, as crazed and threatening as Gollum is, I kind of root for him in my own way. He’s far more interesting talking to himself than either of the hobbits are talking to each other, and the idea of “her” killing the two, thanks to Gollum’s manipulations, is a rare bright spot of hope in my journey through these movies.

And there is hope, for Two Towers is the Lord of the Rings film I hate the most, which means that Return of the King will be a slight improvement, and then I will be done with the whole enterprise. So let’s get to it.

 

MY MOVIE SHELF: What Lies Beneath

 

The Task: Watch and write about every movie on my shelf, in order (Blu-rays are sorted after DVDs), by June 10, 2015.  Remaining movies: 139  Days to go: 95

Movie #299:  What Lies Beneath

I love movies that thwart expectations. Harrison Ford has always played a good guy. Even if he’s a nerf herder or a scoundrel or an unfaithful husband and slimy lawyer who grows a whole new personality after being shot in the head, his characters are almost always on the right side of the law, or they are the law, or they’re fighting for justice somehow. He’s even played the President of the United States, who single-handedly fought off Russian terrorists on his plane with his bare fists. The guy likes to be the hero. That’s why What Lies Beneath is such a departure.

What Lies Beneath works, one hundred percent, because the audience expects the best from Harrison Ford as Norman Spencer. He’s an academic, a sophisticate. He has a beautiful wife named Claire (Michelle Pfeiffer) and a gorgeous house in Vermont and you are compelled to think the best of him. That’s the kind of character Ford plays. He has an entire movie that can be (and has been) boiled down to him vehemently declaring over and over “I did not kill my wife!” And not ten months prior to What Lies Beneath coming out, Ford starred in a movie in which his loving wife was dead again, only it turns out she was cheating on him with the husband of the woman played by Kristin Scott Thomas. He’s the good guy; he’s the cuckold; he’s the right one. Even if the ghost haunting his wife is some student Norman had an affair with a year ago, clearly it is some Fatal Attraction sort of situation. She’s just some psycho hose ghost and he’s an innocent victim who made a mistake. One mistake! An indiscretion! It should hardly even count. He’s the impeccable one, right?

Okay, so What Lies Beneath is one of those movies that I’d love to be able to talk about without revealing too much of the plot, but that ship has pretty much sailed at this point — and honestly, it’s a movie from fifteen years ago. If you haven’t watched it by now, chances are you weren’t going to UNLESS someone told you the plot. And the plot is really, surprisingly great. (Props to S.H.I.E.L.D.’s Agent Coulson — Clark Gregg — who I guess moonlights as a screenwriter, for writing this one.)

It’s safe to say What Lies Beneath was not what I was expecting, but it really surprised me in the best of ways. It’s a murder mystery and a horror story, but it’s not gratuitous or gory. The horror is created almost entirely through atmosphere and tone — setting, music, lighting — and there are some incredibly innovative shots meant to provide alternate visual perspectives: close, confining shots, done at awkward angles, or reflected through mirrors. One even seems to come up from below the floor. There is a physical ghost (Amber Valletta), but she’s used with great restraint and to great effect. She shows up at the most opportune times, to great optimal jump moments, and then the rest of the time her presence is implied through objects or events (I don’t believe in ghosts, but if my bathtub ever spontaneously filled itself once, much less on multiple occasions, I’d be moving.), and Pfeiffer even gives one hell of a great subtle possession scene, where we know Claire’s altered but her husband does not. And the entire final showdown, once Norman has no more outs, is a very suspenseful, tense and satisfying end, all around.

There’s a red herring story featuring Claire’s neighbor Mary Feur (Miranda Otto) that doesn’t seem to be handled quite as well as it could be, and the editing could be just a little bit tighter, but for the most part I find the movie incredibly successful. Even factoring in the two sort of obvious Chekov’s Gun situations (One, never show your villain’s students administering a paralytic agent to a rat without making full use of that paralytic agent come the film’s climax. And two, never explain that your cell phone doesn’t have service until the midpoint of the bridge without eventually needing to make a call on that bridge.), the plot unfolds at the pace and with the effect that the director and writers intend. It’s a solid film, and it’s unlike most everything else that rogue, rugged hero Harrison Ford has ever done.