MY MOVIE SHELF: Percy Jackson: Sea of Monsters

The Task: Watch and write about every movie on my shelf, in order (Blu-rays are sorted after DVDs), by June 10, 2015.  Remaining movies: 168  Days to go: 168

Movie #209:  Percy Jackson: Sea of Monsters

This is not my movie. It belongs to my son, but he brought it out of his room and included it on my shelf because he wanted me to write about it. He’s really very sweet.

And because he’s so sweet and I love him so much, I’m going to give Percy Jackson: Sea of Monsters the benefit of the doubt and assume it’s a bit out of my depth of mythology knowledge. I mean, I’ve heard of Poseidon and the Golden Fleece and I’ve watched Clash of the Titans more times than I can count, but I’m not aware of famous cyclops or anything like that and it’s hard to tell how much of these Percy Jackson stories are pulled directly from mythology and how much is fiction from the novels. And honestly I don’t care enough to ever read the novels, so my knowledge is going to remain forever limited. Sue me.

The thing is, though, if I were a teenage girl again, I would be all over these things. I mean, I might not have come to the books first (mythology is a fascination, but maybe not enough of one to get me into the fantasy section of a bookstore), but the movies would’ve fed the crushes of my youth. And then I would’ve found my way around to the books at that point. It’s a process.

My point is that, from what I’ve seen of these Percy Jackson flicks, they’re basically about putting beautiful young people on display. Logan Lerman (as Percy), Alexandra Daddario (as Annabeth), Leven Rambin (as Clarisse), Brandon Jackson (as Grover), Jake Abel (as Luke) … all beautiful. All crushworthy. Not entirely sure who they all are supposed to be or what their collective deal is, but I honestly believe character motivation is entirely beside the point.

There is some cute comedy as Stanley Tucci plays Dionysus, god of wine whose gorgeous vintages keep getting turned into water because Zeus has a grudge. And then Giles from Buffy (Anthony Head) is still doling out sage advice to teens, this time as Chiron the centaur. Plus Yvette Nicole Brown and comedy giant Missi Pyle are two of the three “Gray sisters,” who are sort of like the Stygian Witches of cab drivers, I guess. And who doesn’t appreciate a little Nathan Fillion in their lives, particularly when he’s playing Hermes, proprietor of an Olympian UPS Store? No one, that’s who.

I admit to not remembering a whole lot about the first Percy Jackson movie, but I feel like this one kind of takes off in another direction from that one. Like, Sea of Monsters is all about this girl who dies and grows into a tree that forms a force field around the demigod camp? I just don’t remember that being a part of the first one, and I certainly don’t know why Percy would think about her so often, as he claims to do in his opening voice over, given that in the first movie he didn’t even know he was a demigod until he was older, so he wouldn’t have been there as a kid when she died. But, like I said, the plot strikes me as entirely secondary in these films, so whatever.

As far as a fun, exciting, teen crush movie goes, you could do a lot worse than Percy Jackson: Sea of Monsters. It’s bright and it’s clean and it’s quasi-educational, maybe, so good for them. It might not be my cup of tea anymore, but I give it my full, motherly love endorsement. For my sweet, sweet boy who likes my movie shelf project.

MY MOVIE SHELF: Galaxy Quest

The Task: Watch and write about every movie on my shelf, in order (Blu-rays are sorted after DVDs), by June 10, 2015.  Remaining movies: 258 Days to go: 256

Movie #119: Galaxy Quest

There’s not enough love for Galaxy Quest in the world. It’s a super smart, super funny, super wry comedy about a group of actors from an old sci-fi television show (called Galaxy Quest) reunited for a fan convention nearly twenty years after its heyday that get pulled into a real live interstellar battle defending the last of the Thermian race from the evil Sarris (Robin Sachs). It’s a layered story of fantasy and adventure filled with plenty of inside jokes about space travel shows, about sci-fi fans, and about actors. Even Patrick Stewart likes it, so you know it’s good.

Jason Nesmith (Tim Allen) plays Commander Peter Quincy Taggart, and is the arrogant, swaggering star of the show. He loves the attention and the fame Galaxy Quest has afforded him, though he does get a bit despondent when he feels he’s not as respected and revered as he thinks. He even gets a little short with adorable fanboy Brandon (Justin Long, who is right in his wheelhouse of awkward enthusiasm here), who asks questions about the technical aspects of a ship that never existed. When Thermians, led by Mathesar (Enrico Colantoni), come to Jason requesting he negotiate with their tormentor Sarris, he thinks it’s just another paying gig until he travels in a slimy pod through a black hole back to Earth.

Allen and Colantoni both excel in their roles, unearned cockiness being something Allen has built a career on, and Colantoni getting to be as self-seriously silly as he can possibly get, funny, stilted voice and all. And Justin Long is perfect, as always. “I know there’s no beryllium sphere, no digital conveyor, no ship.” “Stop for a second. Stop. It’s all real.” “Oh my God, I knew it. I knew it! I knew it!”

The rest of the cast is delightful as well. It features Sigourney Weaver as Gwen DeMarco, who was on the show as sexy Lt. Tawny Madison — a busty computer officer who basically just repeated and paraphrased everything the computer said. “Look! I have one job on this lousy ship, it’s stupid, but I’m gonna do it! Okay?” Alan Rickman is the classically trained actor Alexander Dane — he played Richard III (“There were five curtain calls.”) — who has been forever typecast thanks to his Galaxy Quest role as Dr. Lazarus, an alien crew member with superior intellect. He wants nothing more than to regain a little dignity and recognition for his talent, which nothing to do with this show will ever afford him. (“You will go out there.” “I won’t and nothing you say will make me.” “The show must go on.” “Damn you.”) Daryl Mitchell is Tommy Webber, the grown-up who used to be the show’s token child prodigy, Lt. Laredo, and there is nothing better than the moment the Thermians expect him to drive their ship (modeled entirely on the Galaxy Quest ship, with flight controls based specifically on Laredo’s movements) out of dock and he scrapes it against the wall of the spaceport, leaving a huge mark along the outside. Then there’s Tony Shalhoub as Fred Kwan, who played Tech Sgt. Chen, but unlike Star Trek‘s Scotty, Fred is eerily calm and zen about everything that happens — shooting through space in a gel pod? “That was a hell of a thing.” — except maybe his blossoming interspecies romance with Thermian Laliari (Missi Pyle, who continues to be Up For Anything in every conceivable role. She is so fabulously game). And Sam Rockwell gets to ham it up as Guy Fleegman, an extra on the original broadcast (“It’s … another shipmate!”), certain he’s going to be the first to die on this actual mission, just like in his role on Episode 81. “Guy, Guy, maybe you’re the plucky comic relief. You ever think about that?”

No sci-fi trope is left behind in the film, from needlessly elaborate chompers in the middle of the ship (“This episode was badly written!”), to a countdown clock that stops at one second left because that’s how it always happens on the show, to adorable childlike aliens who turn into vicious monsters in an instant (“Let’s get out of here before one of those things kills Guy.”). There are alien planets that are somehow habitable for humans. (“Hey! Don’t open that! It’s an alien planet! Is there air? You don’t know!” “Seems okay.”) There’s a transporter system that doesn’t always work. (“The animal is inside out.”) There is super advanced time-displacing technology nobody quite understands. (“Activate the Omega 13!”) There are shields and guns and enemies getting shot out into space, and there’s a perfectly executed ploy to get the better of the bad guy at the end. (“What you fail to realize is my ship is dragging mines!”) It even has a mantra: “Never give up. Never surrender.” And for good measure, there’s a big spaceship crash, a somersaulting gunshot, and a ton of exuberant fans at the Galaxy Quest convention. It’s a roaring good time, all around.

And if you care to look for a message, it has one of those too. Jason Nesmith and crew are as big a group of phoneys as can be, and yet when they have people believing in them, they’re able to be just as heroic and brave as they’ve pretended to be in the past. It’s the affirmation that faith in oneself, and faith in others, can lead to unimaginable success. Honestly, what’s not to love about that?

MY MOVIE SHELF: Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story

The Task: Watch and write about every movie on my shelf, in order (Blu-rays are sorted after DVDs), by June 10, 2015.  Remaining movies: 288  Days to go: 277

Movie #89: Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story

“Donde esta la biblioteca, Pedro?”

Dodgeball is a really funny movie that holds up to multiple viewings. Pondering why this might be today as I watched, I realized pretty quickly that it’s because Dodgeball is positively stacked with jokes. Jokes upon jokes upon jokes. Whatever your style of jokes preference is, Dodgeball has a joke for you.

Dry joke partisans will appreciate Vince Vaughn as Peter LaFleur, playing the straight, low-key guy against all the craziness around him. With the pop of an eyebrow and a one-liner at the ready, LaFleur is the king of the wry observation. Given Vaughn’s history of being both inclined to and in danger of taking things overboard, putting him in this role successfully reins him in and uses him to the movie’s best advantage. As a complement to Vaughn is Christine Taylor as Kate Veatch, a tough girl, a baller athlete and a consummate professional, she puts everyone in their places with cutting remarks. It’s the kind of stuff keen observers and dry wits appreciate.

Those looking for absurdist comedy, however, won’t be disappointed either. Dodgeball is practically bursting with it. From the cheerleading Donkeys to the Average Joe’s carwash, to the entire concept of a Dodgeball tournament, the whole film is silly and goofy and weird. There are also characters Patches O’Houlihan (Rip Torn) and Steve the Pirate (Alan Tudyk), whose entire existence is bizarre, not to mention the steaming ball of crazy named White Goodman (played by steaming ball of crazy Ben Stiller). White is a treasure trove of wackadoo, self-abusing (literally and figuratively) with food, obsessing over his appearance and throwing his nonexistent weight around in the biggest (haha) Napoleonic complex you’ve ever seen.

White is also constantly misusing idioms and mangling language, which is intellectual humor at its finest. Another great intellectual joke? There is a chest full of money at the end literally labeled “Deus Ex Machina.” These are the jokes not everybody gets, but the people who do love them all the more for their obscurity. Stiller is unsubtle enough with his stuff that it’d be hard to miss here, but it’s still pretty artfully and smartly done. White’s use of a deep, raspy voice when he wants to sound profound is hilarious, especially when what he actually says is nonsense. And yet, White’s surplus of funny doesn’t stop there.

Physical comedy fans have a lot to look forward to in Dodgeball, and White Goodman’s performance of “Milkshake” over the end credits is a major highlight. It’s not the only one, though. Stephen Root is a delight as awkward, dorky Gordon, and I’ve long been a fan of Justin Long’s hapless earnestness (or earnest haplessness). Long, especially, has been a favorite of mine since his turn in the TV show Ed, and here, playing the character Justin, he’s just as lovable, just as jittery, and just as uncomfortable in his skin. His cheerleading routines and his workout attempts are great, but him getting hit in the head with that wrench (“If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball.”) is gold. Another skilled purveyor of physical comedy is Missi Pyle, who is always willing, in every role she’s ever taken, to completely forsake her own vanity for the good of a role. She’s like Melissa McCarthy and Anna Faris in that way, only she gets far less recognition for it. Here, Pyle stars as Fran, some Eastern European Slavic athlete with a fierce unibrow and jacked-up teeth. With a deep voice and a terrifying mole, she’s the scariest player on any team.

The place Dodgeball really shines, though, is as a sports parody. Not just a sports movie parody — though it does touch on the clichés of the passionate coach, the intense training montages, the underdog victories, the noble cause, the huge setback, playing with The Force, and the motivational speech — but a parody on all aspects of sports. There are the Dodgeball Dancers, the hilarious fan signs in the crowd (“Joe’s Knows Balls.”), ESPN 8 “the Ocho,” the tagline “Go Balls Deep,” the intricate and confusing rules, the silly little red penalty rope the ref dangles in front of White for a warning, the overblown introductions of all the teams, and the two commentators played by Gary Cole (as the play-by-play man) and Jason Bateman (in a huge and fabulous departure from the kinds of roles he usually plays, as the flighty, rockstar color commentator). Cole is gloriously self-serious, dropping brilliant lines about the Helsinki championship of 1919 and the perfect, “Do you believe in unlikelihood?!” Meanwhile, Bateman is distracted and cavalier, making the kind of useless and nonsensical comments any sports fan knows aren’t too far off the mark from the things real commentators say.  (Watch a game sometime — any game. You’ll see what I mean.)

I first saw Dodgeball in the theater with my brother — one of the few times we’ve hung out together, just the two of us, given our big age difference and the substantial geographical distance between us — and it’s a memory I really treasure because of that. I always think of him when I watch it, but I also enjoy the movie on its merits. Those merits being lots and lots and lots of jokes. I always appreciate funny.

“Fuckin’ Chuck Norris.”