MY MOVIE SHELF: Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End

 

The Task: Watch and write about every movie on my shelf, in order (Blu-rays are sorted after DVDs), by June 10, 2015.  Remaining movies: 26 Days to go: 21

Movie #414:  Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End

Jiminy Christmas, these movies get longer with each successive one. Good thing I don’t own any more of these or I’d be here for all eternity.

Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End is the last movie in the series that I own, and it also serves as a succinct (well, not succinct, but satisfying) end to the overall conflict represented over the course of the franchise between the pirates and the British. In this regard, At World’s End is like an existential and fantastical look at the historical growth and ultimate all-encompassing power of the British navy. They were a force that couldn’t be overcome, and they did, in fact, rid most of the area of pirates over time. The actual events no doubt really involved mass hangings and the like, but probably not supernatural sea witches or otherworldly ships meant to usher the dead from the land of the living.

At World’s End is not the worst movie in the world. A lot of it is really funny and enjoyable, actually. But the last like twenty minutes of it is setting up the fourth movie, which, as it doesn’t involve Will (Orlando Bloom) and Elizabeth (Keira Knightly), it’s irrelevant to me.

Yes, once again, I am only really here for the continuing saga of will Elizabeth and Will ever finally hook up? They’ve been in love for two movies, engaged for one, and finally — FINALLY! — get married at the end of this one. It occurs in the midst of an epic sword fight, though, so maybe not the most romantic nuptials. And, of course, there’s the problem of Will being killed by Davy Jones (Bill Nighy), who will then stabs the heart of, taking over as captain of the Dutchman and only being allowed to set foot on land to see his wife once every ten years. These lovers, it seems, will never fully be together. But they do get that one day, and as Will implies, if that one day is special enough, it can kind of make up for the other 3649 or so. I mean, they finally have their wedding night before Will’s first tour begins, and in a lovely epilogue we see that Elizabeth has a son with her ten years later for Will’s return. Plus, it’s entirely possible that she’s still raking in booty from piracy, as it’s never made clear if she gives up the title of King of the Brethren Court.

Elizabeth’s time as captain of her own ship, and her appointment as king, is another highlight of the film for me, along with pretty much everything to do with her, as she’s my favorite character. But possibly the most memorable stuff in the film is when Jack (Johnny Depp) has to be rescued from Davy Jones’s Locker, which as far as I can tell is like being inside a hallucination. He sees multiples of himself and little crab rocks everywhere, and there must be residual effects, since he’s still seeing his multiples well after they’ve brought him back to the living. I guess you never quite get over being dead.

In all, the movie isn’t great, but it’s fun enough, and, like I said, it makes me laugh quite a bit from scene to scene with its jokes and throwaway callbacks and visual gags. However, it’s way too freaking long, and it’s the last one of these I’m going to own.

MY MOVIE SHELF: Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest

The Task: Watch and write about every movie on my shelf, in order (Blu-rays are sorted after DVDs), by June 10, 2015.  Remaining movies: 27 Days to go: 21

Movie #413:  Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest

First of all, has anyone ever addressed the absurd length of each Pirates of the Caribbean movie? I didn’t mention it about the last one, because it’s so inventive and great, but it was still overlong. And Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest is even longer. Why is this necessary? (It’s not.) Tell tighter stories, people.

Dead Man’s Chest isn’t quite the raucous party Curse of the Black Pearl was, but it does have its merits. For one, the rendering of the crew of the Flying Dutchman and captain Davy Jones (Bill Nighy) himself is spectacular. Half human, half (or more) sea life, the undead pirates are perfectly of the sea — watery and slimy, with tentacles and barnacles and coral and shells — and completely different from the undead pirates of the first film.Not only that but the Kracken (while disgusting and not at all representative of the mythical creature in Clash of the Titans) is some pretty impressive creature creation. Its demolition of the Black Pearl is incredible to behold, particularly on the big screen.

However, the film also has its drawbacks. As sequels generally seek to expand the universe of a film, so does Dead Man’s Chest expand on the universe of the first film. There are more players, more motivations, and there’s more going on. Unfortunately, all this “more” makes things somewhat hard to follow and overly complex. On top of that, Jack (Johnny Depp) is double-crossing Will (Orlando Bloom), who is double-crossing Jones, who is double-crossing Bootstrap Bill (Stellan Skarsgard), who is double-crossing Jones, who is double-crossing Will, who is double-crossing Jack, who is double-crossing Norrington (Jack Davenport), who is double-crossing Jack, who is double-crossing Elizabeth (Keira Knightly), who is also double-crossing Jack. It’s a mess. And that’s before you try to get me to explain any of what was happening on the primitive island with the cannibal tribe, or anything to do with anyone working for the East India Trading Company. Like the magical compass, this movie points all over the place, unable to discern what the heck it wants most.

Fortunately, though, the thing I come for in any and all of these movies is the relationship between Elizabeth and Will, which also becomes more shaded and complex in Dead Man’s Chest, but in really rewarding ways. In the time between the first film and this one, Elizabeth and Will planned to be married, but as their wedding is delayed by their arrest (it’s always something), which is the inciting event that leads them down the path of Dead Man’s Chest plot. In a lot of ways, Elizabeth is underrated as a force to be reckoned with, and she proves herself to be wily and resourceful and really freaking good with a sword. The situation of both she and Will working toward similar purposes in opposite ways (and being separated for large swaths of the film, too, in which each has to get themselves out of myriad scrapes), works to almost wedge them apart, as neither entirely knows what the other is up to or why they’re doing what they’re doing. Adding to that Jack’s blatant flirting with Elizabeth and Norrington’s bitterness over her rejection, and the kiss she plants on Jack at the end of the film (to ensnare him into being shackled onto the Pearl while the others escape) elicits well-founded doubts and insecurities from Will, who never believed such a woman as she could love someone like him in the first place. The fact that he mistakes her guilt at sending Jack to his death for the broken heart of a woman who lost her lover is a complicating factor to them being together, but it is also a perfectly organic development of these characters within this story. And it portrays Elizabeth as a woman just as brave and strong and smart and, when needed, merciless as any pirate on the seas — a really solid deepening and exploration of her character that will carry into the third film.

Let’s move on to that one, then, shall we?

MY MOVIE SHELF: Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl

 

The Task: Watch and write about every movie on my shelf, in order (Blu-rays are sorted after DVDs), by June 10, 2015.  Remaining movies: 28 Days to go: 21

Movie #412:  Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl

Even as an adult, Disney World is my favorite place to go. It’s always been my favorite place to go. It’s hard for people to appreciate if they’ve never been, or if they’ve never found their trips all that special, but it makes me incredibly happy to be there. There is no place like it. It’s more than just a theme park, it’s an experience — an atmosphere that pervades from the moment you drive onto the grounds and is enhanced by every cast member and every detail of every different land. It’s magical and wonderful. But even for me, the idea of  a film based on the Pirates of the Caribbean ride sounded like a nightmare. What could possibly be the point? What merit or story could possibly be derived? It just felt like a disaster waiting to happen.

Imagine my surprise, then, when it turned out to be a huge hit.

I went by myself — a frequent habit I developed when my son was small. Basically, if I had a couple free hours when someone else was watching him, I would go see a movie. So I sat in the darkened theater, in the center of the second row as is my wont, and I readied myself for whatever would come. As it happens, what came was a rollicking good time — a perfect summer film full of fun and joy and blissfully creative elements.

Most people site Johnny Depp’s performance as Captain Jack Sparrow as their favorites, and with good reason. He’s sloppy and tilting and listing with every movement. He’s slurry and flirty and deceptively smart. He is, in short, an incredibly fun character. But the other characters are a lot of fun too, and shouldn’t be discounted.

For me, the best parts of Pirates of the Caribbean (and its sequels) have always had to do with Elizabeth Swan (Keira Knightly) and Will Turner (Orlando Bloom). I was at first disappointed Turner wasn’t gloriously blonde like Bloom’s Legolas role, but aside from that the character is aces. Will Turner is a lowly, undervalued, overlooked citizen of the Caribbean town from where the events of the film commence — undervalued and overlooked by all by Elizabeth, that is. He came with the Swans as a refugee of a downed merchant ship and works as a blacksmith’s apprentice making swords. He’s good-hearted and noble and he loves Elizabeth from afar. And he’s not a bad swashbuckler either, as far as that goes.

Elizabeth, too, is a great character. She’s plucky and smart and doesn’t shy away from confrontation. She holds her own with every pirate on the seas and shows virtually no fear fighting for herself or for Will. She’s pretty crafty too, as evidenced both by her employing of parlay and her giant island bonfire to ensure her rescue. Plus, any woman who calls out the ridiculousness of a corset is to be held in admiration.

Of course, the other pirates are quite entertaining as well. Barbossa (Geoffrey Rush) is equal parts vile and impressive, and he makes for a fantastic villain. As do the monkey and the several other ones, mostly called out for comedic effect. But some of the most enjoyable parts of the film have to do with callbacks to the actual Disney boat ride — like the dog holding the keys to the prison cell, or Mr. Gibbs (Kevin McNally) wallowing in slop with the pigs. It took the goofy concept that was fashioning a film after a theme park ride and made it the most fun I think it could’ve possible been.

The most impressive aspect of the film, however, is the skeletal special effect, in which all the pirates of the Black Pearl, when bathed in moonlight, show their true selves as the living dead. It’s creepy and fantastic and expertly done — especially when they move in and out of the shadows, partially exposed and partially whole. It’s amazing, and astounding and stunning work. I could watch those transitions all day. I especially love the underwater scene because it’s so brilliant and so unexpected and so masterful. I mean, wow.

Really, Pirates of the Caribbean wowed me in a lot of ways, in almost every aspect of its execution from the story to the design to the characters to the dialogue to the effects. It’s an all-around great popcorn flick, and one I could watch multiple times. (And have.) Even better, now that the ride at Disney World has been updated to match the film, it makes me want to go back there again. More so than usual.

MY MOVIE SHELF: The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King

The Task: Watch and write about every movie on my shelf, in order (Blu-rays are sorted after DVDs), by June 10, 2015.  Remaining movies: 86 Days to go: 58

Movie #354:  The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King

Well, I’ve survived it. Again. We’ve come to the end of the Lord of the Rings trilogy, and I couldn’t be more grateful. The subtitles really do help a lot in the understanding (and even enjoyment) of the films, but 1) that shouldn’t be a requirement for a film in (mostly) my native language, and 2) they’re still pretty ridiculous, as far as films go.

The enormity of the task Peter Jackson and company took on and accomplished is not to be swept aside, for it was gigantic and ambitious. That he managed to film three such huge, world-spanning, epic films all at the same time is a feat that will likely never be matched. The special effects throughout the films were impressive and innovative to a stunning degree, and creatures that existed only digitally blended seamlessly into the landscape with human actors. I don’t mean to undercut it at all. That’s why The Return of the King won all the Oscars. I personally wouldn’t have given it all the Oscars, but I can understand why it got them. I don’t really begrudge it that.

What I do begrudge it, however, is the story. Maybe this is largely the fault of author J.R.R. Tolkien, or maybe it falls to the filmmakers, but there are enormous holes in this mess. Like why isn’t the giant, climactic battle of Gondor the actual climax of the film? There’s another hour or more after all is said and done with this battle they’ve been building to for two films. The evilest of evil dudes, who can’t be killed by man, is dead (we’ll get to that in a bit), and the land of Men is saved, and Aragorn (Viggo Mortensen) has returned to be rightful king, and still there’s a ton left to do. In fact, right around the time this battle to end all battles winds down, Frodo (Elijah Wood) and Sam (Sean Astin) are escaping the tower of Mordor together, only to still be about a hundred miles away from the damn mountain as the crows (or shall we say eagles? EAGLES!) fly.

Speaking of that tower of Mordor, why did the Orcs take Frodo up there? Why didn’t they leave him cocooned in spiderweb to be eaten by whatsherface? Just one more pointless obstacle for these hobbits to face? I mean, entire countries have been won and lost in at least three battles since those two split off from the rest of their fellowship, with everyone and their brother traipsing back and forth across the entirety of Middle Earth a dozen times or more, yet they’re still making their way. Slowly, but surely, with a half-dead Frodo, who’s now been stabbed nearly to death three times, will lose a finger before all is said and done, and still can’t just die in the lava of Mount Doom like he most definitely should. (Oh yeah, and how is it that Gollum, voiced by Andy Serkis, can fall down a bottomless gulch and still beat the fucking hobbits to the mountain?? What the fuck?!?) So why is it, exactly, that these magical eagles — the eagles from Deus ex Machina-land who show up  over Mordor to lend assistance to the final army in the final (no really this time) battle — couldn’t have taken the ring, or Frodo, or the entire fucking fellowship into Morder to drop the ring into Mount Doom? Oh, no reason. Are you kidding me??

And as far as that final battle goes — the real, actual final battle, not the one they build up to like it’s the climax of anything — why are the ghost fighters not there? Why did Aragorn release them early? Why didn’t he just employ them from the start? I mean, ghost fighting probably would’ve been pretty impressive, but in actuality all you see is a green wave of death going over the opponents and then it’s over. So why didn’t they just start there? Send the eagles to drop the ring, send the ghost army to take out all the orcs, and be done? Why have we sat through three neverending movies when it could’ve been over in a moderately-lengthed one?

I have to say, the murder of that unkillable witch-king was pretty impressive with Eowyn (Miranda Otto) all, “I am no man!” (Or it would’ve been, if it had come at the end like a normal climax.) But even that was telegraphed from about a thousand miles away. I didn’t even know her name the first time I watched these things, but when Gandalf (Ian McKellen) makes a huge point about the fact that “no living man can kill him,” it wasn’t hard to figure out the rest. I mean, gee, is there a woman of substance in this whole thing who isn’t an elf? Oh yeah, that one, who already foreshadowed how good she is with a sword two movies and, like, seven and a half hours ago. It must be her. Because in Middle Earth, when it comes to any single woman actually doing anything, THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE. (Wait, that’s Highlander. Whatever.)

Then, finally, to compensate for neither of the two previous movies having an ending at all, this one has approximately five. There’s the fade to black after Sam and Frodo collapse on the rock in the sea of lava, but then it fades back in to show the eagles (!!!) picking them up, like no big deal. Then there’s Frodo waking up in Rivendell, and having all the members of the fellowship share a good chuckle over their rousing good time of many months worth of hardship and death, and fade to black again. Then, wait, Aragorn has to be crowned and say something kingly, followed by Legolas (Orlando Bloom) giving him an arched eyebrow at the mysterious figure hiding behind an Elvish banner, like WHO COULD IT BE?? Oh, it’s Arwen (Liv Tyler), miraculously not dead, and her and Aragorn start making out something fierce. Luckily, Eowyn has started eyeballing Faramir (David Wenham) now. And everyone bows down to the hobbits. Fade out AGAIN. Except, no, now Frodo takes up the end of the tale, and the hobbits head back to the shire thirteen months after leaving and share a drink while Sam goes to talk up some chick he likes. Fade out AGAIN. No, wait, now Frodo is talking about how misplaced he still feels, and he finishes up the writing of the tale a full four goddamn years after the whole thing started. Apparently Bilbo (Ian Holm) is still alive, so he accompanies him to Rivendell to go to the Undying Lands, only Frodo goes to, and gives the book to Sam. Then SAM winds up the telling of the tale and goes home to his wife, despite desperately needing to make out with Frodo, like, the entire movie, and takes his happy little family into his hobbit hole door. At long, long last, the end.

And it’s the end for me too. At least as far as The Lord of the Rings is concerned. I will never have to watch it again as long as I live. But I still have scores of movies left on my shelf, and I will continue on with them in the morning. Hopefully, I haven’t lost faith with all of you yet.

 

MY MOVIE SHELF: The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers

The Task: Watch and write about every movie on my shelf, in order (Blu-rays are sorted after DVDs), by June 10, 2015.  Remaining movies: 87 Days to go: 59

Movie #353:  The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers

The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers is a movie without beginning or end. And by that I mean that it starts in the middle of things, and it ends in the middle of things. You aren’t even given the satisfaction of the story of Rohan or the claimed victory at Helm’s Deep, because at the end of the movie Sam (Sean Astin) is telling Frodo (Elijah Wood) how any victories or losses right now are not the end of the story, and there’s far, far more to go.

The Two Towers even backtracks a bit, starting off with Gandalf (Ian McKellen) fending off the thing in the mines from Fellowship, I suppose to show how he ended up not dead and turned into Gandalf the White, though in this first scene they frame it as a dream of Frodo’s. And Aragorn (Viggo Mortensen) flashes back as well to the time in the first film when they were all in Rivendell and Arwen (Liv Tyler) was promising her heart to him. Better off her dad Elrond (Hugo Weaving) convinced her to head to the Undying Lands, though, the way Aragorn and Eowyn (Miranda Otto) make eyes at each other the whole second half of the film. (And again, Arwen and Eowyn are too closely related, sound-wise. Are there not the full complement of letters in Middle Earth?)

When I first saw this one in the theater, all I could really follow was the not-at-all subtle anti-industrialization allegory offered up by the tree people, which is pretty irritating. I mean, it’s an irritating attempt at profundity anyway, but it’s also irritating that the story is so hard to follow. It jumps back and forth, across multiple storylines and even more locations, and I simply can’t keep up. Even with the subtitles on tonight — a necessary function, if I’m able to follow a word — I still found it difficult to keep track of every character and every relationship and every motivation and every event. Though I did much better this time around, at least. Woo, subtitles!

Of course, subtitles are their own double-edged sword, because while they allow me to understand that Gimli (John Rhys-Davies) has jokes, and that he and Legolas (Orlando Bloom) have a bit of a playful rivalry, they also make it pretty clear that Gimli has turned into a bit of a joke himself, comic relief as the short little dwarf who can neither see a battle over a wall or jump into it from a ledge. Poor Gimli.

The primary achievement of The Two Towers, though, is Gollum, voiced and acted via motion-capture technology by Andy Serkis. The effects and the rendering of Gollum are exemplary, and I don’t take anything away from Serkis or from Peter Jackson and his whole special effects team with regard to this film or the other two, honestly. It’s a stunning achievement. I just … don’t care.

Not being a big fan of the hobbits to begin with, I’m unaffected by Frodo’s slow descent into madness or his sympathy for the man/creature Smeagol that Gollum used to be. I also don’t care about Sam’s endless attempts to reach Frodo or to thwart Gollum, though I do feel bad for Sean Astin being referred to as the “fat hobbit.” That’s rough. Honestly, as crazed and threatening as Gollum is, I kind of root for him in my own way. He’s far more interesting talking to himself than either of the hobbits are talking to each other, and the idea of “her” killing the two, thanks to Gollum’s manipulations, is a rare bright spot of hope in my journey through these movies.

And there is hope, for Two Towers is the Lord of the Rings film I hate the most, which means that Return of the King will be a slight improvement, and then I will be done with the whole enterprise. So let’s get to it.

 

MY MOVIE SHELF: The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring

The Task: Watch and write about every movie on my shelf, in order (Blu-rays are sorted after DVDs), by June 10, 2015.  Remaining movies: 88 Days to go: 59

Movie #352:  The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring

Here is where I lose all of you who’ve come on this journey with me, for I hate The Lord of the Rings movies. I think they are tedious and overlong and hard to follow. I think if you didn’t read the books when you were young (which I didn’t), then you can’t possibly understand all that’s happening here. There is too much, and it is too tiresome.

The Fellowship of the Ring, for what it’s worth, is the one I hate the least (or the one I like the most, if that construct better suits you). It starts off with a ton of exposition and there is a lot of getting nowhere going on, but there are some good battles and high drama. (Although, without watching with subtitles on I wouldn’t know who half these people are. And didn’t, the first — and only other — time I saw the film. Even with subtitles on, how the hell am I supposed to know what “Crebain from Dunland” is? Those are not words that mean anything. You might as well speak nonsense at me for three hours.) This being my first exposure to any of Tolkien’s work, too, there was a certain amount of majesty and wonder in the rendering of the different beings from the different worlds. Elves and dwarves and hobbits were all new to me, so I did, once upon a time, enjoy being introduced to them. That time quickly passed, however.

As I said, I did not read the books as a child (or ever), so I had no prior associations with any of the characters. I came at the films completely fresh, which means that I was not predisposed to like or dislike anyone and I did not know any of what was coming and all allusions to events past or present are lost on me. I can only take what the movie gives me, and what I can decipher from it. To be honest, I think it leaves me at a bit of a loss, but that’s a failing on the film’s part.

I never really cared for the hobbits. They were always sort of gross creepy creatures, if you ask me, and the constant close-ups of Frodo (Elijah Wood) and his nasty fingernails weren’t doing him any favors. Other than the trick of making them so much shorter than everyone else, I have no interest to them. So the main, central sympathies of the film, and the champion relationship between Frodo and Sam (Sean Astin), is lost on me. I don’t care. Aragorn (Viggo Mortensen), is quite interesting, however, and  from the moment he appears as the shadowy figure they call Strider (which does NOT help me follow who any of these billion people are), I rooted for him. I also like that he has some sort of tortured romance with Arwen (Liv Tyler, whose name I didn’t quite catch the first time through because Tolkien likes to use words that all sound exactly alike — I’m looking at you Sauron and Saruman), not that we really got into that at all. It was just kind of teased, hung out there like a carrot for me to follow through three of these damn movies.

There’s a badass scene of Galadriel (Cate Blanchett) imagining her power if she took hold of the ring, and Gandalf (Ian McKellen) sacrificing himself to that fiery thing in the mines was quite moving. I also really like the sort of rise and fall of Boromir (Sean Bean) as he goes after the ring one minute and then defends the hobbits from the orcs the next, dying (as Sean Bean is contractually obligated to do in every role he takes) heroically. But all those are sort of contained to this one film. They exist entirely within it, unlike almost everything else going on. And there’s a lot going on. For all the battles, all the trekking, all the losses and all the triumphs and all the grim resignation to the task, nobody gets anywhere. Frodo is practically stabbed to death twice in this one film, and still nothing happens. They take forever and a day to get to the part where the fellowship is formed, and then by the end of the film it’s completely broken apart. Sam and Frodo are in a boat on their own, Merry (Dominic Monaghan) and Pippin (Billy Boyd) are captured by orcs, and Aragorn, Legolas (Orlando Bloom) and Gimli (John Rhys-Davies) are a rag-tag assortment of warrior species off to maybe rescue them.

And just when you think something’s about to happen, and they’ll finally get on with this journey of theirs, the movie ends. It’s not an end to the story, mind you, just and end to the film. They’ve dragged it out as far as they possibly can, and now you have to wait another year before you find out if anyone ever actually gets anywhere on this quest.

Luckily (or unluckily) for me, I don’t have to wait a year, for the next one is upon us. Let’s see how much more I can hate The Two Towers, shall we?