MY MOVIE SHELF: Scream 3

The Task: Watch and write about every movie on my shelf, in order (Blu-rays are sorted after DVDs), by June 10, 2015.  Remaining movies: 195  Days to go: 138

Movie #243:  Scream 3

I like a good trilogy. I’m a Star Wars girl, always have been, so trilogies are kind of my thing. I miss the days when trilogies consisted of only three movies, but that’s another story altogether. A good trilogy needs to form a narrative arc that spans all three films. It has to highlight the past from another angle, revealing new motives, new players, and information that wasn’t revealed previously. As Randy (Jamie Kennedy) says — brought back from the grave in a taped revelation by his sister Martha (Heather Matarazzo) — “It’s all about going back to the beginning.”

Scream 3 starts with the third installment of the Stab movies under production. Cotton Weary (Liev Schreiber), now a TV celebrity no doubt thanks to his Diane Sawyer interview, even cameos as himself. Or, he’s supposed to. Poor Cotton is instead the first casualty of Mr. Ghostface this time around (or second, if you count his fiancée, which apparently no one does), just as he is in Stab 3. The buxom Sarah Darling (Jenny McCarthy) plays the character to next die in the film, and she’s the next to die at the hands of Mr. Ghostface too, who is presumably the director Roman (Scott Foley, looking particularly “raper face”-y), but what the audience knows that Sarah doesn’t is that this new killer doesn’t just do scary killer voice. He mimics all kinds of voices, as he just did to Cotton and Almost Mrs. Cotton. Dun dun DUN!!

This time our girl Sidney (Neve Campbell) is living alone on a hill somewhere. She doesn’t even leave her house to go to her job, she just takes crisis calls on her “office” line like she’s Sandra Bullock in The Net or something. She probably ordered pizza online before it was cool. And while her dog is big, if you ask me that fluffy retriever doesn’t look too menacing. He got scared when Sidney had a bad dream, for Pete’s sake, and that’s not going to do her any good for security. Which is what I assume she’s living in the boonies for. Nobody knows her address, only a few select people know her phone number. This chick doesn’t mess around. She is sick and damn tired of having weird psychopaths chase her with knives.

Of course, Cotton’s death (followed by Sarah’s) brings all the old players out of the woodwork, and by old players I mean the only other two still alive, Dewey and Gale (David Arquette and Courteney Cox, back when they were newly married and totally adorable together). Gale is out for a story, of course, but Dewey is there on the movie set working as a consultant and as security detail for the woman playing Gale in the film, Jennifer Jolie (Parker Posey, my very favorite make-believe ditzy wiseass). This brings out the jealousy in Gale since apparently she and Dewey did not part on the best of terms last time. Yikes.

We also have a new ingénue playing Sidney (Emily Mortimer), and Jennifer’s personal bodyguard Steve Stone (Patrick Warburton), plus McDreamy himself (Patrick Dempsey) as homicide detective Mark Kincaid. Naturally all of these people will at some point or another be placed in a suspicious light.

This time the killer seems to have some connection back to Sidney’s mother, as he keeps leaving pictures of her at his murder scenes, really bringing the story back to the beginning after all. Is it possible Billy and Stu didn’t kill her exactly as they said after all? This movie is about the missing piece.

Just kidding, this movie is just about going from one killing to the next with some slapstick and wise cracking and raised eyebrows in between. The whole thing about Sidney’s mom is a forced and ill-conceived plot point if there ever was one, but I guess if you make it all the way to the third movie you’re not really there for story; you’re there to see how much bigger it can get.

The answer is: significantly bigger. More blood, more gore, more red herrings, more outrageous and thrilling deaths, more scare tactics, and it’s a trilogy so your killer is going to be “super human.” Thanks for keeping us apprised, Randy.

I honestly have a lot of fun with this movie, but it’s a good thing I don’t care for reboots. (Translation: No Scream 4 for me, even though I’m really starting to like Emma Roberts.)

MY MOVIE SHELF: Hoodwinked

The Task: Watch and write about every movie on my shelf, in order (Blu-rays are sorted after DVDs), by June 10, 2015.  Remaining movies: 234  Days to go: 239

Movie #143:  Hoodwinked

I really like fairy tales. I used to have this gorgeous tome of Grimm’s Fairy Tales when I was a little girl — it was easily four inches thick — with gold-leafed pages and intricate illustrations, but then I think my mother passed it on to my brother who never, ever, ever would’ve appreciated such a thing. On top of that, my absolute favorite book as a girl was The Practical Princess and Other Liberating Fairy Tales by Jay Williams, which no one has ever heard of (unless they know me personally, because I talk about it all the time). And every single year, until I was probably seven years old (after my mother had remarried and we moved to a new town), I was Little Red Riding Hood for Halloween. (My mom was always the grandmother, and when my dad was still in the picture he would be the Big Bad Wolf — which, let’s not unpack the fact that my first husband was a big bad Wolf of his own.)

So, Hoodwinked might as well have been made for me especially.

Hoodwinked was not the first film to tackle fairy tales, of course — you’ve heard of Disney, I assume? — nor was it the first to tackle skewered fairy tales. But where films like Shrek tend to fail for me, Hoodwinked really soars. Shrek is not so much about skewering fairy tales in and of themselves, it’s about skewering Disney. It’s funny, and clever in its way, but as someone who unapologetically loves Disney (Disney World, especially, but Disney animated features as well), it feels a bit mean-spirited and therefore falls kind of flat. Hoodwinked, on the other hand, is concerned only with the story of “Little Red Riding Hood” and with telling that story in a new and clever way that features less grisly death and more extreme sports.

In this version of events, neither Red (Anne Hathaway) nor Granny (Glenn Close) are helpless lady folk, and the Wolf (Patrick Warburton) is an investigative journalist instead of an evil predator. Even the Woodsman (Jim Belushi) is just an actor auditioning to be a woodsman. But the huge uproar at Granny’s house when all these characters converge brings about a police investigation, and each character is given the chance to tell her or his version of events. To no one’s surprise, nothing is quite what it seems.

The movie is filled with all sorts of lovely little jokes and visual gags on top of a mystery wherein all things lead (as all things inevitably should) to a cute little bunny named Boingo voiced by Andy Dick. (Though my favorite part is a goat who uses his horns as a rocking chair and sometimes propellers.)

Hoodwinked is wry and cute and features an old lady kicking ass. Grandmas are doing it for themselves! (It’s even great for kids.)

MY MOVIE SHELF: Big Trouble

This is the deal: I own around 350 movies on DVD and Blu-ray. Through June 10, 2015, I will be watching and writing about them all, in the order they are arranged on my shelf (i.e., alphabetically, with certain exceptions). No movie will be left unwatched . I welcome your comments, your words of encouragement and your declarations of my insanity.

Movie #31: Big Trouble

Big Trouble is the absolute funniest movie no one has ever seen.

Originally slated for release on September 21, 2001, the movie (which features hitmen smuggling rifles in golf bags onto cross-country flights, comically lax airport security, and two idiotic thugs who buy their way onto a plane travelling to the Bahamas carrying no identification, a veritable cannon of a handgun, two hostages and a nuclear weapon in a suitcase) was understandably delayed after the 9/11 attacks and came out to absolutely no fanfare on April 5 of the following year. You can’t begrudge the studio, really. There was no other option at the time. But the film is unbelievably hilarious, and I really wish more people had seen it.

Based on the novel by humorist Dave Barry, it centers around an unlikable man named Arthur Herk and the seven or so pairs of people who converge at and around his Miami house over the course of a couple days. The plot is tight and seamless, wasting no time whatsoever (it clocks in at 85 minutes) in telling its very silly story. Not wanting to just recite the plot, however, or give away the many great jokes, I’ll instead focus on the numerous relevant characters.

Tim Allen plays Eliot Arnold, the Dave Barry stand-in. He’s a former humorist at the Miami Herald, recently divorced and trying to make it as an independent ad man. He lives in a crappy apartment, drives a Geo, and his son Matt thinks he’s a loser.  He’s also the protagonist, narrator and hero. He finds himself thrown together with Herk’s wife Anna on several occasions as Matt tries to tag Anna’s daughter Jenny with a squirt gun for a school game.

Rene Russo is Anna Herk. Formerly divorced herself, she stays with Arthur out of fear of losing the financial security he provides. The first time she meets Matt, she’s jumping onto his back to protect Jenny from his (squirt) gun attack. She finds Eliot incredibly handsome and charming.

Ben Foster and Zooey Deschanel are Matt and Jenny. Ben is the perfect snot-nosed teen and Zooey, especially, is tops as a dry witty girl with that signature sarcastic monotone. They frequently interact with Matt’s friend Andrew, played by DJ Qualls, who is mostly inconsequential but who has some great lines and who I mention because I love DJ Qualls.

Stanley Tucci is Arthur Herk. He works for a mob-run construction company, has stolen money from them, and has a hit put out on him because of it. He’s abrasive and rude, tries to intimidate his maid into having an affair of sorts with him, and he’s got a crazy foot fetish. He’s also fixated with television and Martha Stewart.

Dennis Farina and Jack Kehler play hitmen Henry and Leonard. They’re from New York, where hitmen know how to be hitmen, and they hate Miami. They have no use or patience for muggers, Gator fans or cigar-smoking assholes.

Janeane Garofalo and Patrick Warburton are Miami police officers Romero and Kramitz. Romero is no-nonsense. Kramitz is a little-nonsense.

Tom Sizemore and Johnny Knoxville are greasy, dirty, idiot petty criminals Snake and Eddie. They are beyond stupid, and Snake is a bit mean. Slighted early on in the movie, they return to bring about all the events leading directly to the climax.

Jason Lee and Sofia Vergara are Puggy and Nina. Puggy is a homeless drifter who looks like Jesus. He has a gentle soul and is insanely strong. He loves Fritos and Nina. Nina is the Herks’ maid. She is loyal and kind to Anna and Jenny, but she’s constantly fleeing Arthur and his foot fetish. Nina loves Puggy at first sight (when she briefly mistakes him for Jesus).

Heavy D and Omar Epps are FBI agents after the bomb in the suitcase. (It looks like a garbage disposal.) They act almost exclusively under Executive Order 768-4, which apparently gives them the freedom to do whatever the hell they want.

Andy Richter plays twins who both work as security guards, one at the Bayside mall and one at the airport. He maybe abuses his power a little.

And that about does it. If that ensemble doesn’t tickle your funny bone with the promise of comedy that is both intelligent and absurd, then nothing will. It’s a very funny movie, and it is definitely worth your time.