MY MOVIE SHELF: Major League

The Task: Watch and write about every movie on my shelf, in order (Blu-rays are sorted after DVDs), by June 10, 2015.  Remaining movies: 204  Days to go: 208

Movie #173:  Major League

If there is a more perfect baseball movie in the world than Major League, I haven’t seen it. For starters, it opens with a song about the actual true historical fact time Cleveland’s Cuyahoga River caught on fire.

The movie’s premise is, of course, that the owner of the beleaguered Cleveland Indians has died and his shrewish awful Vegas showgirl trophy wife inherits, but intends to field the worst team possible so she has legal standing to break the team’s contract with the city of Cleveland and move the team to Miami (apparently before the Marlins were a thing, I guess). She hires tire salesman Lou Brown (James Gammon) to manage the team and invites a long lists of nobodies and has-beens to spring training. (“This guy here is dead!” “Cross him off, then.”)

The rag-tag team goes through lots of ups and downs, suffers some bumps and bruises, and ultimately pull together to show that bitch what’s up by “[winning] the whole. fucking. thing.” “Not bad for a has-been and a couple of never-will-bes.”

Tom Berenger plays past-his-prime catcher Jake Taylor, trying for one last shot in the big time, and one last shot with ex-fiancee Lynn Wells (Rene Russo). Bob Uecker is Indians announcer Harry Doyle, making the best of an oftentimes bad situation. Charlie Sheen is convicted felon pitcher Ricky Vaughn, AKA Wild Thing, AKA Veg-Head. Wesley Snipes is base-stealing speedster Willie Mays Hayes, who shows up out of nowhere. (How did he even get to spring training?) Corbin Bernsen is high-priced diva Roger Dorn, who’s a bit of a douche but has one seriously bad-ass wife and can generally be kept in line with piss on his contract or threats of bodily violence. Chelcie Ross is old-timer pitcher Eddie Harris, who defends Jesus Christ’s hitting ability and frequently wipes snot on the ball. And Dennis Haysbert is the fabulous, frightening, totally beefcake Pedro Cerrano, about whom Trouble With The Curve should’ve been about if it wanted to be a halfway decent movie.

Major League has all the thrilling excitement of an underdog sports movie, combined with sharp comedy and even a little romance, and it holds up like you wouldn’t believe. It’s even hilarious on TV, with all the swear words edited out or dubbed over. (Corbin Bernsen’s “strike this motherfucker out” dubbed over to “strike this … GUY … out” is maybe my favorite piece of censorship ever.) But the real benefit of watching Major League over and over again (which, if you’ve seen it once, you’ve probably watched it a thousand times) is being supplied with a bevy of quotable quotes, good for use in almost any occasion.

If you don’t have much hope? “These guys don’t look too fuckin’ good.”

Any time something is wildly off the mark? “JUUST a bit outside.”

While golfing? “Hats for bats. Keep bats warm.”

Want to threaten someone? “Is very bad to steal Jobu’s rum. Is very bad.”

If someone doesn’t compare you favorably to another woman? “Oh what a bunch of bullshit! I have a much better body than she does!”

Any time someone thinks they got hosed at work? “This isn’t the California Penal League, Vaughn. We’re professionals here!”

If you want to tempt fate? “Up your butt, Jobu.”

Want to pick up a guy? “You are the sexiest man I have ever laid eyes on, and you look like you could use a friend.”

If you think you’ve made a mistake? “We should’ve got the live chicken.”

If you’re not getting any help? “Fuck you, Jobu. I do it myself.”

Whenever you use your American Express card? “Don’t steal home without it.”

If you need a rhyming insult? “Well you run like Mays, but you hit like shit.”

Literally anytime? “Look at this fuckin’ guy.”

And many, many more. So if you haven’t seen Major League yet, you’re missing out on a lot of great quips you could be using in your personal conversations. Isn’t it time you fixed that?

MY MOVIE SHELF: Get Shorty

The Task: Watch and write about every movie on my shelf, in order (Blu-rays are sorted after DVDs), by June 10, 2015.  Remaining movies: 256 Days to go: 256

Movie #121: Get Shorty

If you remember my post about Be Cool, some two and a half months ago, you maybe realized I wasn’t super fond of it. Get Shorty, I find, is worse. Tonight was my second viewing of the movie, and each time has been boring. I find myself drifting off, doing other things, contemplating tomorrow night’s menu or what my husband’s upcoming work schedule is. That’s not the sign of a great film.

The thing is, I don’t find John Travolta all that intimidating, maybe? He’s a big tough loan shark (thankfully, this movie doesn’t use the term “shylock” as often as Be Cool does), apparently the best fighter around, and can outsmart anyone and everyone. It’s a bit much.

What else is a bit much is the plot, which, while a decent send-up of the Hollywood hustle of putting a movie together that can maybe feel like a mob shakedown, is unreasonably convoluted and all over the place. Chili Palmer (Travolta) starts in Miami where he has a few run-ins with Ray Barboni (Dennis Farina, who is kind of funny as a bumbling mobster, but who is much more satisfying in things like Big Trouble as a competent mobster), then goes to Vegas to collect a debt, where he gets a job to collect another debt in L.A. Deciding he just “likes it” in L.A., he opts to leave loan-sharking to become a movie producer, as you do.

So in the midst of all this movie wheeling and dealing there are shakedowns and double-crosses and all sorts of underhandedness, featuring additional toughs drug dealer Bo Catlett (Delroy Lindo), stuntman-turned-heavy Bear (James Gandolfini), and the guy who played Lazlo Hollyfeld in Real Genius (Jon Gries) as some guy named Ronnie.

And on the movie side of things there’s Gene Hackman as B-movie producer Harry Zimm, acclaimed actor Martin Weir (Danny DeVito), and actress-turned-producer-turned-Chili’s-girlfriend Karen (Rene Russo). (Elmore Leonard might have a thing for chicks named Karen.) All the movie people try to act at least as tough as the mobsters and drug dealers and other criminals.

It’s kind of funny, like I said, but it’s also kind of a mess. Not only that, but being the “Cadillac of minivans” couldn’t save the Oldsmobile Silhouette (or any other Oldsmobile), so it’s kind of disappointing in general.

MY MOVIE SHELF: Big Trouble

This is the deal: I own around 350 movies on DVD and Blu-ray. Through June 10, 2015, I will be watching and writing about them all, in the order they are arranged on my shelf (i.e., alphabetically, with certain exceptions). No movie will be left unwatched . I welcome your comments, your words of encouragement and your declarations of my insanity.

Movie #31: Big Trouble

Big Trouble is the absolute funniest movie no one has ever seen.

Originally slated for release on September 21, 2001, the movie (which features hitmen smuggling rifles in golf bags onto cross-country flights, comically lax airport security, and two idiotic thugs who buy their way onto a plane travelling to the Bahamas carrying no identification, a veritable cannon of a handgun, two hostages and a nuclear weapon in a suitcase) was understandably delayed after the 9/11 attacks and came out to absolutely no fanfare on April 5 of the following year. You can’t begrudge the studio, really. There was no other option at the time. But the film is unbelievably hilarious, and I really wish more people had seen it.

Based on the novel by humorist Dave Barry, it centers around an unlikable man named Arthur Herk and the seven or so pairs of people who converge at and around his Miami house over the course of a couple days. The plot is tight and seamless, wasting no time whatsoever (it clocks in at 85 minutes) in telling its very silly story. Not wanting to just recite the plot, however, or give away the many great jokes, I’ll instead focus on the numerous relevant characters.

Tim Allen plays Eliot Arnold, the Dave Barry stand-in. He’s a former humorist at the Miami Herald, recently divorced and trying to make it as an independent ad man. He lives in a crappy apartment, drives a Geo, and his son Matt thinks he’s a loser.  He’s also the protagonist, narrator and hero. He finds himself thrown together with Herk’s wife Anna on several occasions as Matt tries to tag Anna’s daughter Jenny with a squirt gun for a school game.

Rene Russo is Anna Herk. Formerly divorced herself, she stays with Arthur out of fear of losing the financial security he provides. The first time she meets Matt, she’s jumping onto his back to protect Jenny from his (squirt) gun attack. She finds Eliot incredibly handsome and charming.

Ben Foster and Zooey Deschanel are Matt and Jenny. Ben is the perfect snot-nosed teen and Zooey, especially, is tops as a dry witty girl with that signature sarcastic monotone. They frequently interact with Matt’s friend Andrew, played by DJ Qualls, who is mostly inconsequential but who has some great lines and who I mention because I love DJ Qualls.

Stanley Tucci is Arthur Herk. He works for a mob-run construction company, has stolen money from them, and has a hit put out on him because of it. He’s abrasive and rude, tries to intimidate his maid into having an affair of sorts with him, and he’s got a crazy foot fetish. He’s also fixated with television and Martha Stewart.

Dennis Farina and Jack Kehler play hitmen Henry and Leonard. They’re from New York, where hitmen know how to be hitmen, and they hate Miami. They have no use or patience for muggers, Gator fans or cigar-smoking assholes.

Janeane Garofalo and Patrick Warburton are Miami police officers Romero and Kramitz. Romero is no-nonsense. Kramitz is a little-nonsense.

Tom Sizemore and Johnny Knoxville are greasy, dirty, idiot petty criminals Snake and Eddie. They are beyond stupid, and Snake is a bit mean. Slighted early on in the movie, they return to bring about all the events leading directly to the climax.

Jason Lee and Sofia Vergara are Puggy and Nina. Puggy is a homeless drifter who looks like Jesus. He has a gentle soul and is insanely strong. He loves Fritos and Nina. Nina is the Herks’ maid. She is loyal and kind to Anna and Jenny, but she’s constantly fleeing Arthur and his foot fetish. Nina loves Puggy at first sight (when she briefly mistakes him for Jesus).

Heavy D and Omar Epps are FBI agents after the bomb in the suitcase. (It looks like a garbage disposal.) They act almost exclusively under Executive Order 768-4, which apparently gives them the freedom to do whatever the hell they want.

Andy Richter plays twins who both work as security guards, one at the Bayside mall and one at the airport. He maybe abuses his power a little.

And that about does it. If that ensemble doesn’t tickle your funny bone with the promise of comedy that is both intelligent and absurd, then nothing will. It’s a very funny movie, and it is definitely worth your time.