MY MOVIE SHELF: Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves

The Task: Watch and write about every movie on my shelf, in order (Blu-rays are sorted after DVDs), by June 10, 2015.  Remaining movies: 22 Days to go: 18

Movie #418:  Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves

I used to own Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves on DVD, which would’ve sufficed, except one day my husband opened the case and the disc was gone. So I bought the replacement on blu-ray, online, where I can’t inspect the packaging, and wound up with some ridiculous extended version containing twelve previously unreleased minutes. For crying out loud. The reason these particular twelve minutes were unreleased is that they are superfluous and unnecessary and more often than not disrupt and corrupt the flow and story of the movie. Stop foisting them on the unsuspecting public.

My friend and I watched Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves an inordinate number of times back in high school. We talked about it constantly, too, months after the fact, when we were no doubt supposed to be paying attention in AP American History. We even developed all sorts of nonsensical conspiracy theories about it. Like how Azeem (Morgan Freeman) calls Robin Hood (Kevin Costner) “Christian,” while Robin Hood’s rival-slash-secret-brother Will Scarlett is played by CHRISTIAN Slater. Or how Azeem makes this big speech about being FREE MEN, when the actor is Morgan FREEMAN. Most of our theories centered around Azeem. None of them made any sense. However, we do both agree that the first time we saw the movie there was a scene AFTER Robin and Azeem catapulted themselves over the castle wall that Will tried to do the same stunt, only solo, and crashed into the wall. This made perfect sense to us, since Will not weighing as much by himself as Robin and Azeem weighed together would mean he wouldn’t get as much force and distance off the catapult. Only, that scene was never in any other version of the film — and for all the pointless extra twelve minutes on this disc, it’s not here either — and we never saw it again. But we’re CERTAIN we didn’t imagine it.

I don’t know that I can properly convey just how corny this movie is, especially since I still voluntarily own it, but it’s pretty ridiculous. Alan Rickman is gloriously overacting all over the place, even slobbering spit at times because he’s going all out as the Sheriff of Nottingham. And there’s even some crazy witch lady (Geraldine McEwan) declaring that Marion (Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio) is fertile and Nottingham should plant his seed to ensure a son with royal blood. There’s talk of cutting hearts out with spoons, and there’s Robin rubbing horse shit all over himself as a disguise, and there’s Friar Tuck (Michael McShane) being a belligerent but funny drunk, and there’s the world’s maybe second-ever c-section (my friend pointed out to me that Caesar was obviously born by the first), and there’s Kevin Costner’s bare white ass swimming by a waterfall. And that’s not even half of it. It’s kind of batshit crazy, but I still will watch it any time.

I really honestly used to think this movie was phenomenal, and that all the performances were great, the story was fantastic, the characters and the dialogue were sensational and clever, and the cinematography, especially, was award-worthy.  I even used to think the Sean Connery as Richard the Lionhearted was the best cameo of all time. And if that doesn’t prove just how bad teenagers are at discerning quality, then I don’t know what to tell you.

MY MOVIE SHELF: Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade

The Task: Watch and write about every movie on my shelf, in order (Blu-rays are sorted after DVDs), by June 10, 2015.  Remaining movies: 46 Days to go: 34

Movie #394:  Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade

I used to be confident that this was the movie my parents and I went to see on the eve of my mother’s scheduled c-section of my brother, but the timing wasn’t right. (The actual movie we saw that night was Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home.) Still, the experience of sitting in a theater with this movie stuck with me. So much so that I wanted to assign greater importance to it than it actually had. I think that’s because, in my estimation, Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade is the best in the series.

First of all, we start with River Phoenix as young Indiana, back at the height of his adorableness and only a mere four years before his death. He demonstrates Indy’s clear resolve, his charge for preservation over fortune hunting. He reveals the source of his chin scar, the origin of his fear of snakes, and the person who gave him his signature hat. He even demonstrates his first crack of a whip. And he gives us a brief (if mostly heard and unseen) image of life with his father. It’s a delightful inclusion in a film and a franchise that so many people loved, like a reward and thanks for their support.

Secondly, when we join Indy all grown-up again, as we know and love him (played by Harrison Ford), he’s getting redemption for the artifact he lost so many years ago before ultimately being pulled into another mystery of biblical proportions with, once again, the Nazis as his rivals. It’s classic Indiana, going back to the basics. It’s what everyone loves, but it’s also more universal this time because the item everyone’s seeking — the Holy Grail — is a much more identifiable (and sought after) piece of lore. I mean, even I’ve heard of it. Even better, when you realize it’s a trek modeled after that of the Crusades, you understand the title of the film and can stop fretting that this is the last film. (I mean, it WAS the last film, until they put out that wretched Kingdom of the Crystal Skull malarkey, but it didn’t have to be — and wasn’t purporting to be — just because it was called The Last Crusade. It was literally just referring to the Crusades.) (Incidentally, my son watching tonight had the same epiphany about the source of the title that I had 26 years ago in that movie theater. That’s a magical experience, that sort of serendipity, when it happens.)

Thirdly, Henry Jones Sr. (Sean Connery) is a phenomenal character. Perfect casting, for one, and a performance that’s sort of beautifully stuffy and closed off the same way Indy is smirky and accessible. I love his ridiculous tweed suits. I love his distracted musings. I love how he continually ignores his son in favor of whatever Grail lore or intellectual problem he’s fixated on then still arrogantly asserts he was a great father for leaving Indy alone to fend for himself. It’s delusional, yes, but it works because Connery is so committed to Henry’s obliviousness and conviction. Spielberg tends to be drawn to father-son relationships, and this is a great one. These are two men who are somehow both very much alike and drastically different from one another. They have similar fields, similar obsessions, similar interests, and yet they approach relationships so oppositely (though each apparently likes a no-strings roll in the hay every now and then). I love them together, I love the dynamics of their relationship, and I really kind of wish I could get a Henry Jones origin story.

The action in Last Crusade is also up to par with everything else they’ve done in the franchise to date, featuring shootouts and tanks and boat chases and dogfights and fires and motorcycle flips and no tickets on the zeppelin and a crypt full of burning, squealing rats. It’s thrilling and great, and the film moves quickly from one exciting escape to the next without feeling nearly as repetitive as Raiders. (I do love the Ark of the Covenant reference, though. That’s great.) The best part, though, is in the location of the Grail, as Indy moves from test to test, solving the riddles of legend and working his way back to the worlds oldest knight. (“… you, who have vanquished me.”) Not only that, but I’d argue that Walter Donovan (Julian Glover) aging himself into dust in the matter of seconds, as Elsa (Alison Doody) screams her head off, is as terrifying a scene as anyone’s heart getting ripped out. Except it’s better, because Sir Oldface (Robert Eddison) follows it up with “He chose poorly.” Yeah, no kidding, dude.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade is such a perfect movie, such a thrilling and clever action-adventure flick, that I really wish it had been the franchise’s last. Then I’d never again have to think about Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.

Up next: Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. Ugh.