The Task: Watch and write about every movie on my shelf, in order (Blu-rays are sorted after DVDs), by June 10, 2015. Remaining movies: 204 Days to go: 208
Movie #173: Major League
If there is a more perfect baseball movie in the world than Major League, I haven’t seen it. For starters, it opens with a song about the actual true historical fact time Cleveland’s Cuyahoga River caught on fire.
The movie’s premise is, of course, that the owner of the beleaguered Cleveland Indians has died and his shrewish awful Vegas showgirl trophy wife inherits, but intends to field the worst team possible so she has legal standing to break the team’s contract with the city of Cleveland and move the team to Miami (apparently before the Marlins were a thing, I guess). She hires tire salesman Lou Brown (James Gammon) to manage the team and invites a long lists of nobodies and has-beens to spring training. (“This guy here is dead!” “Cross him off, then.”)
The rag-tag team goes through lots of ups and downs, suffers some bumps and bruises, and ultimately pull together to show that bitch what’s up by “[winning] the whole. fucking. thing.” “Not bad for a has-been and a couple of never-will-bes.”
Tom Berenger plays past-his-prime catcher Jake Taylor, trying for one last shot in the big time, and one last shot with ex-fiancee Lynn Wells (Rene Russo). Bob Uecker is Indians announcer Harry Doyle, making the best of an oftentimes bad situation. Charlie Sheen is convicted felon pitcher Ricky Vaughn, AKA Wild Thing, AKA Veg-Head. Wesley Snipes is base-stealing speedster Willie Mays Hayes, who shows up out of nowhere. (How did he even get to spring training?) Corbin Bernsen is high-priced diva Roger Dorn, who’s a bit of a douche but has one seriously bad-ass wife and can generally be kept in line with piss on his contract or threats of bodily violence. Chelcie Ross is old-timer pitcher Eddie Harris, who defends Jesus Christ’s hitting ability and frequently wipes snot on the ball. And Dennis Haysbert is the fabulous, frightening, totally beefcake Pedro Cerrano, about whom Trouble With The Curve should’ve been about if it wanted to be a halfway decent movie.
Major League has all the thrilling excitement of an underdog sports movie, combined with sharp comedy and even a little romance, and it holds up like you wouldn’t believe. It’s even hilarious on TV, with all the swear words edited out or dubbed over. (Corbin Bernsen’s “strike this motherfucker out” dubbed over to “strike this … GUY … out” is maybe my favorite piece of censorship ever.) But the real benefit of watching Major League over and over again (which, if you’ve seen it once, you’ve probably watched it a thousand times) is being supplied with a bevy of quotable quotes, good for use in almost any occasion.
If you don’t have much hope? “These guys don’t look too fuckin’ good.”
Any time something is wildly off the mark? “JUUST a bit outside.”
While golfing? “Hats for bats. Keep bats warm.”
Want to threaten someone? “Is very bad to steal Jobu’s rum. Is very bad.”
If someone doesn’t compare you favorably to another woman? “Oh what a bunch of bullshit! I have a much better body than she does!”
Any time someone thinks they got hosed at work? “This isn’t the California Penal League, Vaughn. We’re professionals here!”
If you want to tempt fate? “Up your butt, Jobu.”
Want to pick up a guy? “You are the sexiest man I have ever laid eyes on, and you look like you could use a friend.”
If you think you’ve made a mistake? “We should’ve got the live chicken.”
If you’re not getting any help? “Fuck you, Jobu. I do it myself.”
Whenever you use your American Express card? “Don’t steal home without it.”
If you need a rhyming insult? “Well you run like Mays, but you hit like shit.”
Literally anytime? “Look at this fuckin’ guy.”
And many, many more. So if you haven’t seen Major League yet, you’re missing out on a lot of great quips you could be using in your personal conversations. Isn’t it time you fixed that?
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