MY MOVIE SHELF: The Rundown

The Task: Watch and write about every movie on my shelf, in order (Blu-rays are sorted after DVDs), by June 10, 2015.  Remaining movies: 208  Days to go: 145

Movie #230:  The Rundown

My husband has had The Rundown since I’ve known him, and I thought I’d managed to put off seeing it until now. Turns out I’ve totally seen it, only it’s not the one where The Rock comes back to his hometown to kick some ass or whatever. It’s the other The Rock movie.

The Rundown is an odd film, like if the screenplay was written using Mad Libs. For example:

Former Wrestler-Turned-Actor’s Name: Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson. Male Singer with only one name: Beck. Euphemism for bounty hunter: Retrieval Expert. Spastic yet kind of funny/handsome/charming actor: Seann William Scott. Tropical location: Amazon rainforest. Legitimate crazy person actor: Christopher Walken. Spanish word for an animal: Gato. Common Weapon (plural): Guns. Atypical Weapon: Whip. Jungle Animal (plural): Monkeys. Sexy yet badass vaguely “ethnic” chick: Rosario Dawson.

And the final result:

Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson stars as Beck, a Retrieval Expert hired to bring back his boss’s son Travis (Seann William Scott) from the Amazon rainforest. Travis is in debt to a man named Hatcher (Christopher Walken), who rules the village with an iron fist, enslaving the locals through force and violence. Beck purchases Travis from Hatcher, but Hatcher reneges on the deal, when he discovers Travis has found the mythical ancient treasure of El Gato, a golden statue worth millions. Beck fights Hatcher’s men, though he refuses to use guns. There is an elaborately choreographed fight scene, which culminates in Beck fighting off a man with a whip. Beck escapes with Travis but they get lost in the jungle, humped by monkeys and are in trouble with the local rebels until it’s revealed that sexy bartender Mariana (Rosario Dawson) is the rebel leader. She strikes a deal to help them out of the jungle if Travis will lead her to El Gato. He does so, but she runs off with it for reasons, probably, before getting caught by Hatcher. Beck has to return to the village to save Mariana, retrieve El Gato, and free the villagers. He has a fierce fight — including a huge brawl with three men with whips — but eventually has to use guns even though he hates them. With Hatcher defeated, Beck and Travis return to the U.S. for Beck to earn his bounty, before paralyzing his boss and allowing Travis to escape. The End.

So, yeah. It’s pretty dumb and extremely thin and there’s just not much to recommend it except for the fact that all these actors are clearly having a lot of fun with their ridiculous roles (except maybe Dawson, who seems a little disappointed). They put on a goofy show, make a lot of dumb jokes, and get you in and out in under two hours no worse for wear. I’ve endured worse evenings than this, is what I’m saying. And I really like The Rock, in spite of myself.

MY MOVIE SHELF: Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs

The Task: Watch and write about every movie on my shelf, in order (Blu-rays are sorted after DVDs), by June 10, 2015.  Remaining movies: 228  Days to go: 233

Movie #149:  Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs

We join our program already in progress.

I’m not so out of touch that I don’t know there are a slew of Ice Age movies, but without checking the release dates on IMDb, I would have no way of knowing which Ice Age movies precede other Ice Age movies, except it’s pretty obvious Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs falls somewhere in a series of sequels.

I think I’ve probably seen the original Ice Age at some point, but I’m not sure I’ve watched any of the sequels before — including this one, until today. I got this disc years ago from my mother, when the older kids were younger and maybe watched it at some point. As far as mindless children’s programming goes, this movie is just fine. As far as movies go, it’s a mess.

Not to bemoan a cartoon for being historically inaccurate or anything — I mean, The Flintstones coexisted with dinosaurs and saber-toothed tigers and whatnot just fine — but I’m fairly certain the dinosaurs didn’t dawn during an ice age, and I’m positive they didn’t exist in the time of wooly mammoths. Dinosaurs were millions of years extinct by the time mammals rose to be the dominant species on earth, so I doubt Sid the sloth (John Leguizamo) happens upon three t-rex eggs in an underground ice cave. I get that it’s a stupid cartoon, but it doesn’t have to be a stupid cartoon.

From the original Ice Age movie, I remember Manny the mammoth (Ray Romano), Sid the sloth and Diego the saber-toothed tiger (Denis Leary) teaming up for some reason or another. Well, at some point in some previous sequel to Dawn of the Dinosaurs, Manny gets a wife, Ellie (Queen Latifah), Ellie is pregnant with baby Peaches, and there appear to be a couple of possums named Crash and Eddie (Seann William Scott and Josh Peck) hanging around as well. Even the dumb squirrel who can never catch that acorn has his eye on a lady flying squirrel, who has her eye on his acorn (not a euphemism).

With the impending birth of his child in sight, Manny is a nervous dad-to-be, Sid is feeling left out, and Diego is having some sort of panic attacks when he chases things. Or maybe it’s just a heart murmur, I don’t know. Sid fumbles around doing Sid things and manages to fall into an ice cave, find some eggs, and decides to keep them as his children so he draws faces on them and carries them around. As you do. Not sure how he found the eggs in an ice cave when there’s an underground tropical jungle of dinosaur habitat, but whatever. The eggs hatch and tiny dinosaurs emerge, and Sid pretends he’s their mother, then gets taken off by the real mama dinosaur and the rest of the gang goes to save him. With the assistance of insane weasel Buck (Simon Pegg), they travel through the underground jungle, fending off reptiles and saving Sid. Oh and Peaches is born. Then they go topside again and I swear to god this movie is so stupid.

I would say I could keep this one around for my youngest child to eventually enjoy, but I have enough movies for her — much better movies that don’t make me want to rip my hair out. And Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs can go the way of the dodo.

MY MOVIE SHELF: Evolution

The Task: Watch and write about every movie on my shelf, in order (Blu-rays are sorted after DVDs), by June 10, 2015.  Remaining movies: 275  Days to go: 267

Movie #102: Evolution

Once again, my shelf produces a movie that’s been otherwise lost to history. Evolution came out in the summer of 2001 to absolutely no fanfare that I can remember, and managed to not be noticeable any time after that either. Honestly, I don’t know how it ever crossed my path. Even weirder, I’m pretty sure this is my husband’s copy; I don’t think I ever owned it. So somehow he also came across this completely obscure, bizarre little movie and brought it into my home. And we both — having seen it separately, before we knew each other — think it’s hilarious. It’s like we’re made for each other.

It is hilarious, by the way. It’s random and odd and super super weird, and it’s just … funny. The funniest thing about it, though, might be the text on the back of the DVD case:

“The maker of Ghostbusters gives you a hilarious look at life on Earth and joins forces with the biggest stars in the universe. David Duchovny (The X-Files), Orlando Jones (The Replacements) Seann William Scott (American Pie) and Academy Award nominee* Julianne Moore (Hannibal) make a discovery of alien lifeforms that could change the world. But, when the aliens try to take over the planet, our four stellar heroes rocket into action to save us. The laughter hits you at the speed of light in the comedy about heavenly bodies, mutual attraction and close encounters.”

THE BIGGEST STARS IN THE UNIVERSE.

BIGGEST. STARS. IN THE UNIVERSE.

IN THE UNIVERSE.

The UNIVERSE. Because we all remember what a huge hit and launching pad The Replacements was for Orlando Jones, after all. And let’s not forget the $30million Seann William Scott makes per every 150 movies or so. Holy shit, that is epically delusional. I mean, even for DVD jacket copy dead-set on space puns. While we’re at it, Hannibal?? That’s the most notable thing Julianne Moore had done by 2001?? How about the thing she was actually nominated for an Academy Award for, Boogie Nights? Or blockbusters like The Lost World: Jurassic Park?? Going for niche cult movies like you hope Evolution might one day be? There’s The Big Lebowski. I mean, seriously. (Intense scrutiny of the case reveals the asterisk after “nominee” refers to a teeny-tiny note at the very bottom that her nominations were actually for Boogie Nights and The End of the Affair, which, again, why not just use those to identify her?)

Anyway, nothing else in that description makes sense either, because the movie doesn’t particularly look at life on Earth, the aliens don’t necessarily “try” to take over the world — they’re just trying to survive, irrespective of humans or the world or anything — and there’s not nearly as much “mutual attraction” as this would have you believe. Unless that’s some kind of science pun on something other than Duchovny’s and Moore’s characters hooking up in the last seconds of the film. I honestly don’t know. The only thing that really seems to fit is pointing out that it’s directed by Ivan Reitman, since in some ways it does feel like an Alien Ghostbuster movie.

All that goofiness aside, however, it’s a fun sci-fi comedy with lots of gags and lots of shocks and Julianne Moore tripping over everything for who knows why (not a complaint — I actually love it when more “serious” actors like Moore appear in the kind of goofy things that I assume make them laugh. Duchovny (though not as high-brow as she is) has done this a few times too. It’s nice.). It also has an incredibly silly resolution and a lot of butt jokes.

Sometimes, you just need butt jokes.

MY MOVIE SHELF: American Pie

 

This is the deal: I own around 350 movies on DVD and Blu-ray (I’ll know for sure how many at the end of this project). Through June 10, 2015, I will be watching and writing about them all, in the order they are arranged on my shelf (i.e., alphabetically, with certain exceptions). No movie will be left unwatched . I welcome your comments, your words of encouragement and your declarations of my insanity.

Movie #15:  American Pie

Remember yesterday when I said that when this movie came out it instantly became pop culture legend? It’s true. “Shitbreak.” Stifler drinking the “pale ale.” Stifler’s mom. Shannon Elizabeth. Shaved. Jason Biggs humping a pie. “This one time, at band camp ….” Double-clicking your mouse. Hell, this movie invented the term M.I.L.F.

The movie starts with four high school senior boys lamenting the fact that they’re all still virgins. This feels like a really big deal in high school. I remember. It’s not until you’re well into adulthood that you realize most of the kids in your school were also virgins, that you weren’t nearly so alone. It’s not until you’re well into adulthood that you realize it’s normal to be a virgin in high school. Most people have sex for the first time between ages 17 and 18, which for most kids is senior year of high school. It’s not uncommon at all to have not done it yet, but it feels like the end of the world.

Being a woman, I have no experience with the peer pressure put on boys to have sex, but I know full well the pressures and the double standards put upon girls, and this movie feels authentic in that sense. Sex is a big deal, no doubt, but high school tends to make it into a big deal in ways that it isn’t. It isn’t important how often you do it or with how many people or whatever, just that it’s entered into mutually and enthusiastically and, preferably, with someone with similar feelings and expectations around it (because that’s when it becomes a really big deal, when those things don’t line up).

The four friends of this particular tale, Jim, Kevin, Oz and Finch (played by Jason Biggs, Thomas Ian Nichols, Chris Klein and Eddie Kaye Thomas, respectively), make a pact the morning after a particularly disastrous party at their friend Stifler’s house (Seann William Scott) that they will all have sex by prom, which is three weeks away. They will do it for all the guys out there who “should” be getting laid but aren’t. First of all, sex is a terrible MacGuffin, just as a story device. But also, the pact never made any sense to me, because it presumes sex is some sort of birthright, that men are owed it, and that they can just “decide” to have it, as if the partner is inconsequential. Not only is all of that patently untrue, in the light of recent events like the UCSB shooting, it feels almost ominous. If you were to turn it off right then, I wouldn’t blame you.

However, one of the main aspects of storytelling is setting the tone, and the opening scene of this film, in which Jim is trying to watch scrambled porn and his parents catch him wearing a tube sock over his erection, says definitively that this movie will be about awkwardness towards sex, about embarrassing, humiliating experiences, and about stumbling toward sexual maturity. If you watch through to the end, that’s exactly what it does. Kevin and his girlfriend Vicky (Tara Reid, playing a good girl before she became a tabloid partying disaster) overthink sex so much that it’s stilted and forced — completely unsatisfying, despite being “perfect.” Oz and his girlfriend Heather (Mena Suvari, on the complete opposite end of the spectrum from her American Beauty role) have a night that emerges naturally, out of deep caring and intimacy — so much so that Chris doesn’t even reveal to his friends the next day that he’s no longer a virgin, simply that he thinks he’s falling in love. Jim and his date Michelle (an utterly smashing band geek portrayal by Alyson Hannigan) have a fun-filled romp, no strings attached — showing how it’s possible to have a spontaneous, wild, fun and satisfying encounter while still discussing logistics, which never would’ve happened if Jim hadn’t stopped getting so worked up about sex and just tried to have fun with his date. And Finch lucks into an evening with the legendary Stifler’s mom (Jennifer Coolidge, at her absolute sexiest), a woman who can appreciate his more mature tastes and intellect — a nod to the fact that sometimes people don’t bloom, sexually, until they get a little older.

Taken as a whole, this movie offers up a solid message about sex: Don’t make such a big deal worrying about when and where and how you’re going to have it, just find someone you like and have fun with and care about and it’ll happen when (and if) it’s meant to, when both people want it to, when it feels really right and natural.

Oh, and it’s also a really funny movie if you think awkward, awful moments, teen sex misfires, and Eugene Levy are at all funny. American Pie has all three!