MY MOVIE SHELF: Mallrats

The Task: Watch and write about every movie on my shelf, in order (Blu-rays are sorted after DVDs), by June 10, 2015.  Remaining movies: 203  Days to go: 207

Movie #174:  Mallrats

Mallrats is a very stupid movie. Mallrats isn’t even a very good movie. But for a certain group of slacker college kids for whom Clerks was less groundbreaking indie and more hilarious cult film, Mallrats was an acceptable followup. For the Clerks enthusiast, Mallrats had the return of Jay (Jason Mewes) and Silent Bob (Kevin Smith) and a plethora of references to people in the Clerks universe, that were considered funny just by virtue of them existing (i.e., if you got the reference, it was amazing). And it also had the tell-tale rapid-fire dialogue of writer director Kevin Smith, which was a draw for actors and fans alike.

Mallrats sees friends T.S. (Jeremy London) and Brodie (Jason Lee) both being dumped by their girlfriends Brandi (Claire Forlani) and Rene (Shannen Doherty), and then heading to the mall, as any red-blooded suburban dweller would do. T.S. mopes about all day trying to find a way to get Brandi back, while Brodie, in denial about how upset he is at losing Rene, still manages to screw her in an elevator.

All sorts of hijinks ensue, involving everything from harebrained schematic plans to Batman gadgets to Stan Lee waxing nostalgic on love to a topless psychic to Magic Eye posters to sweaty ass hands and melty chocolate-covered pretzels. It all culminates in a sabotaging of Brandi’s father’s dating game show so T.S. can get her back and Brodie can woo Rene. So it’s kind of sweet, a little.

Of course, it’s also foul, as all these Jay and Silent Bob films are to some extent. Dick jokes, sex jokes, farting during sex jokes, comic book character genitalia jokes, ass jokes — the movie has them all. Mixed with Smith’s tendency to philosophize about pop culture, it makes up what amounts to his signature style. It was pretty funny and cool when we were all in our twenties, but while I still have a bit of nostalgic affinity for the film, I admit it gets old easily.

One of the biggest problems with Smith’s work, in fact, is that his dialogue is so quick, so exact, that it often comes off too rehearsed and the timing never quite lines up. The most obvious example of this (though it happens throughout the film), is the repeated trampling of the joke about Shannon Hamilton (Ben Affleck) liking to screw his ladies “somewhere very uncomfortable.” Every time it follows with “What, like the back of a Volkswagon?” And every time the line comes too quickly, too forced, and the joke rarely lands like it should.

The one performance that really stands out for me (as it did for Smith as well, soon after dating her for a while and then writing Chasing Amy about their relationship, and for her to star in) is Joey Lauren Adams as Gwen. There mainly to provide exposition about T.S. and Brandi’s relationship up to that point, how great he is and how great they are together — how Brandi is stupid to let him go — she nonetheless stands out. She’s funny and charming and has a forceful personality that draws your attention, making the most of her small role and then some.

Like I said, while it’s not a very good movie, it still does hold appeal for me in a lot of little ways. And as a piece of the entire Jay and Silent Bob series, it’s a fun little film as well as a part of my very young adulthood. For better or worse, it holds a place in my heart and it probably always will.

MY MOVIE SHELF: Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back

The Task: Watch and write about every movie on my shelf, in order (Blu-rays are sorted after DVDs), by June 10, 2015.  Remaining movies: 224  Days to go: 225

Movie #153:  Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back

Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back is a very dumb, very silly movie, but by the time it came out I was really too far down the Kevin Smith rabbit hole to put up much resistance. That being said, however, it’s a pretty funny silly movie. It has about a million silly cameos, references all the previous Kevin Smith films (and quite a few other films too), and even makes fun of itself in silly meta ways. So if you’re in the mood for dumb comedy (and if you’ve sat through Clerks, Mallrats, Chasing Amy and Dogma by this time, you must be), you could do worse.

The premise is dumb, the schtick of Silent Bob (Smith) not saying anything is played out (but called out, so maybe it’s not quite the infraction it could be), and it actually references bloggers as people who live in their parents’ basements wearing bathrobes, like who knew Kevin Smith and Aaron Sorkin had so much in common, but it’s a fun send-up all the same. In addition to Smith and Jason Mewes (as Jay), Dante (Brian O’Halloran) and Randall (Jeff Anderson) are back. Ben Affleck is back as Holden McNeil (from Chasing Amy) AND himself. Jason Lee is there as Banky (from Chasing Amy) AND Brodie (from Mallrats). Mark Hamill is the Cockknocker. Will Ferrell is a Federal Wildlife Marshall and Chris Rock is a militant director (while Gus Van Sant is an apathetic one, counting his money). Shannon Elizabeth, Eliza Dushku, Ali Larter and Kevin Smith’s wife are sexy jewel thieves. Judd Nelson gets called out as a badass in Chasing Amy, so he’s here as a sheriff. James Van der Beek and Jason Biggs play the movie versions of Jay and Silent Bob, while Shannen Doherty shows up in a Scream sequel (as the characters of Jay and Silent Bob actually cameoed in Scream 3). Even Alanis Morissette shows up in the epilogue as God (from Dogma). And Joey Lauren Adams is back in a cameo as Alyssa Jones.

Basically it feels like Kevin Smith just got this great opportunity to have a lot of fun with his friends, which is great for him and all, but how many inside joke vanity projects does one guy get off the back of one successful indie movie from 1994? At least five, apparently.

There are some great things that came out of Jay and Silent Bob Strike back, though: 1. Afroman’s “Because I Got High,” which is just a fun song. 2. “Bad Medicine” being used in a movie to introduce the hot chick, as it always should have been. 3. A performance by Morris Day and the Time. And 4. Boo-boo Kitty Fuck being used as a term of endearment. (Your mileage may vary on that last one.)

MY MOVIE SHELF: Girls Just Want to Have Fun

The Task: Watch and write about every movie on my shelf, in order (Blu-rays are sorted after DVDs), by June 10, 2015.  Remaining movies: 253 Days to go: 255

Movie #124: Girls Just Want to Have Fun

Girls Just Want to Have Fun was my absolute favorite movie when I was a kid. I watched it all the time. I wanted to be Janey (Sarah Jessica Parker), but I also wanted to be Lynne (Helen Hunt). (I’m more like Lynne — “I’m an okay dancer, but what I lack in substance I make up for in style.” — and didn’t even realize I’d named a character after her in a fiction piece of mine until after the fact, so she’s kind of in my subconscious, but I’m also fascinated with people whose birthdays are “the same as mine, almost,” so Janey’s in there too. “You belong on Dance TV, and of course so do I!”) I was also younger than Maggie (Shannen Doherty), so I looked up to her too and totally understood her desire to grow up and be womanly. (“Do you really think I’m Punk!? That’s outrageous! I mean, it’s not as cool as New Wave, but it’s a lot better than pre-teen.”) I also was in love with Jeff (Lee Montgomery) and didn’t even mind Drew (Jonathan Silverman) or his Tune-In Tokyo game of sexual assault.

The movie is about a dance show — Dance TV — filmed in Chicago holding a contest for a new couple. Janey goes without her military father’s (the late character actor Ed Lauter) permission, makes the finals, and gets paired up with supposed bad-boy Jeff (“I don’t need a contest to tell me I’m a good dancer.”) — he drives a motorcycle! (“It’s the safest thing you’ll ever have between your legs.”) There’s some huge rivalry with this crazy, spoiled rich girl, but really the greatest thing about that is how Janey, Lynne and Maggie invite all these punks and weightlifters and acrobats to crash the bitch’s “Debutante Ball,” as if that’s still a thing.

There’s all sorts of really horrible music that I love; the film doesn’t even have much of a connection to the song it gets its title from, save a knock-off cover of it in the film, a tiny snippet of the real track just before the final freeze frame, and Cyndi Lauper uncredited in a diner as one of the punks. There’s also a horrible knock-off cover of “Dancing in the Streets,” plus a bunch of other songs nobody has ever heard before or since. (Except me. I sing along to every nameless one.)

There’s also lots and lots of barely adequate dancing that at the time I thought was just the coolest ever. I feel like this movie should be remade almost shot-for-shot (because it’s mostly perfect and I love it) except with really great dancers. It might not have much of an audience outside of me, but I think it would be worth it all the same. Who’s in?