MY MOVIE SHELF: The Whole Nine Yards

The Task: Watch and write about every movie on my shelf, in order (Blu-rays are sorted after DVDs), by June 10, 2015.  Remaining movies: 134 +2 (Belated Happy Birthday to Me, makes it an even  440 total on the year) = 136 to go Days to go: 93

Movie #304:  The Whole Nine Yards

You know what? I like Matthew Perry. I loved him on Friends. I like his collaborations with Thomas Lennon in 17 Again and The Odd Couple. I really liked his show Go On, even though I was one of maybe 10 who did. I like his silly rom-com with Salma Hayek. I even liked him as arrogant dummy Sandy on Growing Pains, who drank and drove and DIED. And I really, unabashedly, love Matthew Perry in The Whole Nine Yards. I refuse to apologize or be ashamed.

Here he plays “Oz,” short for Nicholas Oseransky, which sounds like a tough guy name but if you’ve ever seen Matthew Perry you know it’s not a tough guy role. It’s not even the incredibly jaded, cynical, sarcastic type of role he sometimes is drawn to. No, Oz is spastic, awkward Matthew Perry, and that’s the most delightful kind. He has no moves, he is not smooth, and he can’t get from point A to point B without running headlong into a sliding glass door or being frightened by his beeper or spontaneously vomiting. (I promise you, this is all outrageously funny.)

You know what else I like? Goofy Bruce Willis. The Whole Nine Yards also features this very specialized kind of Bruce Willis, playing hit man Jimmy “The Tulip” Tudeski, for which he gets to be an ostensible badass, but really is a giant bag of quirks and outsized emotions. His facial reactions to Oz’s spazziness, and the way he likes to toy with Oz’s fears — getting a huge amount of enjoyment out of it in the process — it’s great fun to watch.

The Whole Nine Yards also has Playful Dork Amanda Peet — the BEST Amanda Peet — as Oz’s dental assistant (and would-be assassin, if he weren’t so charming — she’s looking to get into the contract killing business) Jill. She fangirls over Jimmy and Frankie Figs (Michael Clarke Duncan), uses her breasts as a distraction technique when killing people, and does a little snort laugh when she’s too overcome with joy to stop herself. This is the first movie Peet did when I really noticed her and liked her potential as a comedic actress, and comedy remains the genre I most enjoy her in. The Whole Nine Yards might be my favorite of all her roles to this day, even though I like a lot of other things she’s done. It’s just so much fun, and the chemistry and collaborations of all the actors fires on all levels.

I also love Kevin Pollack doing silly accents, and The Whole Nine Yards has that too, with him playing mob boss Janni Gogolak. Even better, The Whole Nine Yards knows how great this is, Kevin Pollack doing a silly accent, so it takes every opportunity to make fun of it. It even employs sexy, tall drink of water Natasha Henstridge as the smart, sly, witty straight man (or woman, in this instance), Cynthia Tudeski (Jimmy’s wife and the object of Oz’s affection) to mock the whole enterprise, just as cool as you please.

Throw in Rosanna Arquette as Oz’s horrible (that’s pronounced or-EE-bluh) French Canadian wife who keeps trying to kill him, and an incredibly funny crime caper story that takes full advantage of Oz’s seemingly innocuous profession without telegraphing its purpose from the outset, and there’s nothing I don’t like about The Whole Nine Yards. I am not ashamed.

MY MOVIE SHELF: Saving Silverman

The Task: Watch and write about every movie on my shelf, in order (Blu-rays are sorted after DVDs), by June 10, 2015.  Remaining movies: 205  Days to go: 143

Movie #233:  Saving Silverman

Sometimes a movie is so stupid, so over-the-top, so insanely goofy that it winds up being hysterical. Saving Silverman is that kind of movie, exactly. Whether it’s Judith (Amanda Peet) kicking everyone’s ass, or Wayne (Steve Zahn) fighting off a raccoon on his head, or Darren (Jason Biggs) being set on fire by electrified nipple clamps, Saving Silverman is a batshit crazy funny movie. And that’s before you even factor in the presence of Jack Black as J.D.

In What About Bob?, Bob says, “There are two types of people in this world: Those who like Neil Diamond, and those who don’t. My ex-wife loves him.” That’s a funny line, but Bob was a crazy person, so I think we can all agree that those who love Neil Diamond are on the right side of history.  At least, that’s the position taken by the makers of Saving Silverman. Wayne, Darren and J.D. are best friends since childhood, and they obsessively love Neil Diamond. So much so, in fact, that they — in addition to the weird memorabilia and the restraining order — have formed a Neil Diamond tribute band, Diamonds in the Rough, complete with sparkly shirts and wigs of perfect Neil hair.

Their perfect threesome, and their band, are put in jeopardy, however, when Darren takes up with bossy and controlling Judith, who runs his life and rules the roost and doesn’t even seem to like him very much (she makes him get butt implants), and also is a bit obsessed with showing her cleavage. But if she doesn’t like Darren, she really hates Wayne and J.D., so Wayne and J.D. attempt to break the two up. Several crazy hijinks later, and we find Wayne and J.D. have kidnapped Judith in order to get Darren back together with his “one and only someone” from high school, Sandy (Amanda Detmer). Nevermind that she’s about to become a nun.

Cue naked yoga and sexy Arby sauce and a jail break and a murderous coach (R. Lee Ermey) who sees the logic in taking a dump on the front lawn. There are knock down, drag out fights, stripper outfits and a live serenade by Neil Diamond himself. Plus, the whole thing ends in a triple wedding.

Jason Biggs was the quote-unquote star of this film, and Jack Black has certainly carved out a headlining career for himself as a giant spazz, but the real star of Saving Silverman — of any movie he’s in, frankly — is Steve Zahn. The man is a national treasure. He is never not sort of endearingly incompetent and goofy, he commits a hundred percent to every role and every line and every pratfall, and he makes it all look completely effortless. Honestly, the man should be making $30million a picture. He’s that great.

Amanda Peet, too, is far more talented than she’s given credit for. She’s a comedic gem and she has absolutely no fear when it comes to going all out, be it as a gangly goofball in other films or as an emasculating fiend like she is here. She’s just ballsy and amazing and great, all the time. I love her. I love him. I love them together.

“Admit it! I’m the strong-willed, assertive man that you need and you’re the hardcore bitch I’ve always dreamed of!” Amen to that.